Making Up for Unidentified Loss

Just relieved myself from a fever last night... Not quite sure if I missed having one... I've new reasons for wanting to attend class these past few days... No need to say more...

I'm about to kill our CD burner for trying to create a scene while I'm typing this entry in my blog... It hates doing its job...

I'm not sure what and how to feel at this particular moment... I've been bitten by schizophrenia for I've lost the proper judgment of what I truly desire at this time being... Or for that matter, what my heart truly heeds... Damn melodrama, I curse you!

Everything i know,and anywhere i go

It gets hard but it won't take away my love

And when the last one falls

When it's all said and done

It gets hard but it won't take away my love

[Hear Without You - 3 Doors Down]

***
I was late for lab today... Had to speed up with a few errands before going to school -- ironed my uniform, typed my reflection and fixed myself (like it's worth being called that).

Karma is a reality-based assessment... Only you can give it to yourself, moreso, it'd be your consciousness that could draw you to that situation... I believe in both its existence and invisibility in the thinnest of air... Or perhaps, fear is but relative to people like me... This is the very cause of why I hate wasting my energy if being bothered by another person... I'm not ignorant, nor am I naive... I just don't give a damn about your arguments against my lifestyle...

Redefining and the Recycle Bin

Some people come and go, as some cliche mentor would say, yet if I'd care to revise that thought, I'd adapt another cliche line: Nothing's permanent in this world... Especially a once strong emotion of a human being...

I just saw my edited works for the December ish of the journal... So far so good... Six poems... No prose for me right now... I think the crow prose will be published for the year-ender, mirage...

HYD Episode 4's one hell of a cliffhanger! It didn't satisfy my famine for it...

We'll be having our first CWTS outdoor activity tomorrow... I hope it works out well, and no one would dare be MIAs...

PE's great last Saturday, no need to elaborate on that... And debate training's cancelled...

CURRENCY

Take your form
and make favors be done
I am aloof to your showcases
but prove me to be
an antiquity
hidden through words
which portray
your pained choice

Take my name
and live on its lips and rains
I am derived from that bitterness
but simply be
my unshaken
perforated soul
just heartless to
every inch of you

Take each sent
thought, murmuring you
I am saved by blatant tarnish
but live in me
in my temples
desolution as such
my voice
behaves untamed

**for JERSEY**

Burn Out, Let Lose

I'm back to my usual "groupie girl" self after watching Marc Abaya and Yael Yuzon perform last night at the Break Out Concert... Mind you, it's the most nerve-wracking, mind-twisting and blood-rising concert I've ever been to, to date... And I'm not lying...

I got Yael's autograph and yet funny how that's not enough to make me shut up even after an hour of exiting the gates of the concert venue in UST... Demn... Now it pays to love your own...

It's a blessing that we came in late for the concert because we missed Cueshe's performance, meaning we didn't have to torture ourselves to their excruciating music...

6 Cycle Mind and Hilera came in next - they're a bunch of Emo Kids... And they're actually good, not to mention they won the recent Nescafe Battle of the Bands...

Then Kjwan, Marc Abaya's band... I've been a self-confessed Marc Abaya luster for some time now... I got to watch him perform live first at my high school in St.Scho... I think I was first year then, and he's still Sandwich's vocalist, now he only occasionaly joins in the gigs of his former band... Ever since, I've already been a fan of his... He has that oozing sex appeal... Totally irresistible...
Last night, he actually noticed us (Ga, Cams and I) about more than thrice... And he even gestured us to come closer during his third "sensual" song... As he said, "You have to imagine..."

I couldn't quite remember who came in next... Nerveline, Sugarfree (who, to my dismay, did not sing Makita Kang Muli... mainly teased us with its chorus and *poof*) Imago, Dicta License and finally, SpongeCola...

I sat right in front of the stage, and directly across Yael when they started performing... It's the best performance of the night, and I say this without bias, because they got everyone singing and jumping from the first song to the last... They sang Lunes, Pare Ko (an original of Eheads, which will be included in their upcoming album), Una, Gemini, KLSP and Jeepney...

After singing Pare Ko, Yael looked at me and I gave him that rocker sign \m/ and smiled... He smiled back...
Damn...
A girl at my back kept yelling "Neon!" (one of the songs in their album) as a request... I wanted to shut her up and say, "What the hell! Of course they won't play that because they haven't even launched that single yet!" Of course I merely ignored her and continued to stare at Yael's ruggedly handsome face...

While Yael was singing Una, only a few knew the lyrics of the song and actually cared to lipsynche with them... And when he saw me actually shouting my way to singing with him in the chorus, he looked at me and smiled, his eyes almost lost in its sparkles...

And then... My world stopped.

Double Damn.

After KLSP, Yael handed over his guitar to one of the crews... I reach out my hand to him and asked for his guitar pick, yet he frowned and quickly apologized for he couldn't give it to me... He still has the MyxMo performance later that same night; he needs it...

After the whole performance, we went out of the auditorium - I, still with a hint of sadness for failing to get Yael's pick... On our way out, we saw a bunch of other students creating a commotion in the other room... When we went close to take a peek, SpongeCola was still there, signing autographs for some of the girls and even taking pictures with them...

Ga, Cams and I got our tickets, and went inside the room... We asked Yael to sign the backside of our tickets... He asked each of our names... From Cams, to Noe-nah (laughs), and finally to me... After getting his autograph, I have to admit I forgot about the rest of the band... We took solo pictures with him and mind you, he's soooooo kind...

When we were about to leave the room, he called my attention and asked, "Were you the one directly in front of me?"

I lost my voice... Triple Damn...

How many times do you actually get a band vocalist to remember you - add to the fact there were more than two hundred of us in the auditorium?

I can't even remember now how I answered that question... All I know is that I left that room, with my feet floating high above the ground...

There. So much for last night...

Yael, Yael... Yael...

Unbashing the Unbashed

I'm not in the mood for academics today, although I did quite well in our Technical Writing quiz, and I made three papers for our Lit101 assignment...

I had a long talk with Cams and Glen at the grandstand for about an hour and a half... It's a good talk... I'm very happy for Glen... After spending half of his life in search for the right person, he finally found the one who's actually deserving of his time and love... Finally, not someone who will wound him even more...

***
My relationship with the CSTP peeps is getting better and we're having more and more fun each training session... We have a good laugh on issues in our debate now and then, yet when it comes to playing it serious, mind you, I am hands down to those debaters...
Dialectics is going to be on January... However, I'm not yet sure if I'll be competing... Long story...

Pecto said I'm incosistent... I agree...
That's long been my problem with the CSTP, hell, it's actually one of the reasons why I quit last year... It has nothing to do with the organization... I just find it hard to put my mind in the debate when we're only training... Maybe the SDS, being a competition, just got me all fired up... But it's not with the people... I really give due respect to them, especially Niño...
See, I don't wanna fail him, or any member in the team or org for that matter, because they expect so much from me... I hope, I'll be able to do a better speech this Thursday... If not, I don't know what else to do anymore...

***
I miss writing... Although I have this blog to juice out my expressive prose and poetry, I have stopped writing creatively... Kit, our EIC in the journal, encouraged me to join Ustetika -- probably submit a poem or two... Yet again, I couldn't find the inspiration to write... Especially now that I have a lot of things swimming inside my mind, just enough to make me more paranoid than I already am...

***
Tomorrow, I'll be getting the results of my Chemistry and Biology quizzes... You guys just pray for me... A failing grade is the last thing I'd ever want to get my hands on tomorrow... Let the crow take me instead...

Populorum Progressio

I'm not sure if I should count this as a bad day. I left my cellphone at my friend's house, and I wouldn't be able to get it 'till Tuesday because I've lots of work at hand...

Yesterday was one of the most exhilirating days of my life... Debate's starting to get really fun, not to mention I've got a new set of friends in the college...
Softball is really getting me all worked out, add to that the fact that Rizza, Ga and Cookie are on the same class... We laughed uncontrollably throughout the whole session... Oh, and our team stood out during the first meeting... No need to get to details here, really...
I watched Goblet of Fire again with my Tensed sisters... Julie told me about this critic prediction that Lily Potter might turn out to be a Death Eater in book seven... Hrmm... It really is an intriguing theory...
The overnight drained all of my remaining energy a.k.a. goodbye to hyperactivity... We got to our friend's house at about 3am, and watched the first two episodes of HYD in VCD... We slept at around 4:30am... (Note: 4:30am is not bad actually, because we usually end up not sleeping at all... ^_^)

Now, I'm at home with no cellphone, a pending SCL report waiting to be completed, a brief review on BioLab102 still lurking in my mind, and the same mind-boggler for my Analytical Chemistry lecture quiz, which is also scheduled for tomorrow...

And so you may ask...
Why the hell am I still writing this blog when my back is aching from those unfinished business?
Jeez... Inspiration...

Makings of Bewilderment and Stress

I'm stressed. Got lots of work at hand... There's debate tomorrow morning, then P.E. in the afternoon, after which, Harry Potter (again) at dinnertime and finally an overnight stay at my friend's house...

God help me...

***
I'm bewildered by the fact that I'm having so many new prospects... Of course you should all know, I'm loyal... Lest someone gets mad... ^_^

I had to edit the picture to charcoal setting so he would stop bickering me about it...
There...
Comment about the picture... In Japanese: Kawaii!!!
That's stolen property by the way... So before he sees the real reason why I was asking him non-stop for a picture last week, go ahead and see for yourselves...

***
I'm in an internet cafe right now... My dad just dozed off inside his room that's why I can't come in and use the computer... If I wake him up, he'll kill me...
And that situation, my dear friends, is very much unwanted right now...
It's the time of the semester when the class treasurer bombards you unendingly of your debts, if you know what i mean... ^_^

Him Planetarium

Another debate... Somehow I've redeemed half of my former dignity...

Longer debate: Uchi wanted it charcoal... So there... Gotta love softball!!!

With or Without You by Utada Hikaru (originally interpreted by U2)
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails he makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, he's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

Mhye and I had a little talk during our Chemistry lab class. We were both feeling the sudden change of aura from our usual enthusiastic class... It's becoming gloomy for some reason... Personal problems? I don't know what else to think or who to give the blame to...

From an average of 1GB/day, I've now simmered down to a download average of 300MB/day... Have lots of work at hand... Debate, journal, 2 laboratory classes (1 of which is irregular), 3 regular classes, 2 irregular classes (1 of which is also the laboratory class forementioned) and 1 advanced class... So much for trying to keep yourself busy...

When I saw him earlier, I really didn't feel a thing... If more so, it'd be regret... And it's meant for him and not for me...

On Saturday, I'll be treating myself to another Harry Potter movie (with my beloved sisters of the Artistic Asian Era)... Not to mention, I already watched it last 16... My prerogative...

Spoilers? Read on...

• Among the first four books of the HP series that were each made into a movie, I say this is the best... Visual effects won't fail you this time... I especially loved the Quidditch World Cup and the three tasks in the TriWizard Tournament...
• Love is in the air... With Cho Chang, Viktor Krum and Fleur Delacour (who, can I just say, was gorgeous *sparks of envy*), need I say more?
• The Death Eaters are alive and kickin' black sand in Shrieking Shack.
• My beloved Sirius is still alive (of course you should know he died in book five, didn't I warn you this will consist spoilers?).
• Voldemort has a body, and an ugly one at that...
• Harry is growing up and getting hotter... Heehee... You should just see that scene when he took a bath and his broad shoulders and upper body were shown... Damn...
• It's a bird... It's a plane... It's... It's... It's the Dark Mark...
• Neville gave the gillyweed to Harry... Now where the hell is Dobby?
• Cedric's death was simple, yet Harry was so affected that I also found myself crying when I watched him weep over his friend's death...
• Action-packed... The Hungarian Horntail, the merpeople, the labyrinth? WaaAaH!!! But the sphinx wasn't there...
• The Yule Ball's really grand and beautiful, even more beautiful than Harry's date... I know, I'm not making sense...
• Rita Skeeter wasn't revealed to be an animagus...
• The Unforgivable Curses... Imperio! Crucio! Avada Kedavra! Whatever happened to that forsaken spider?
• Crouch and the verisaterum story turned short...
• The pensieve's silver streaks of dreams...
• And lastly, the first duel of Voldemort and Harry... This one made me cry... I see dead people...

There. Wasn't I just careless to even look at those scrawny details? Jeez...

Him Planetarium... My current insanity... *sigh* Uchi...

Literally.

I sucked at today's debate... Need I say more?
Nikki, Cookie and I were given the motion: Feminism regrets the existence of prostitution...
And all I did was ramble both coherently and incoherently about decency and well, decency... I even forgot my P.O.I., go figure... It was ugly... I lacked matter, manner and method... In short: I am unworthy!!!

I was a loser... No more, no less...
The only thing I proved right during the training was the fact that sheer luck's the only thing that made me best debater last SDS... Or point of the matter: I do not deserve to be a best debater!!! It was the most shameful and horrible debate I ever had! Not to mention, I really am no good in debate... WaAaAaAaAaAaAahhHHH!!! Pessimist alert!!!

Shallow Depth

Okay, I'm bored... I controlled my urge to download more files in my computer the past couple of days... Pao's right (It's 70GB, btw)... I should start giving my computer a little rest...
The outcome: 3 metaphorical and poetic creations...
Inspiration? Hrmm... Yeah... Him --> _ c _ _ ^_^

INDESPENSIBLE
At each failed grasp
I wait, perhaps solemnly
The trails are unpolished with
your visions that pierce
much like tattooes
only embedded in mind.
Here we tore once
our identities
you and i, our of unwanted
circumstances that scar
so heavily.
You are beyond those metaphors
written in understatements
the streaks
the porcelain
the beloved amnesty
i am forced to recover.
Here, we remain...
in a garden locked
with but a million
chances, dreams and worlds.

We are perfection
uncovered by blankets of
waters and silences
That this torment
is my only retreat.
For I...
have grown fond of those
carcasses
those
salvages
those
pretensions
your unearthly
syndicates
And my primary essence...
Which is needless
with you here...

OBLIQUE
Although barred by words and seas
the grayscale is my only reach
Baffled by fate's black circle
where your core lives
where your song heeds
Mine is a longer route
partaking your every pace
But I complain not
For my yearning is created
with your only loss
and weakness
That if i become,
and for you are...
We shall always stand,
under the same skyline.
above the same nothingness.
in between all differences...

RUINS AND REMAINS
I stand in my deprived delinquency
to devour this pixelated spectacle
How far can I make amends for you
who behaves in my chosen melancholy
The corners are painted
with your eyes
with your scratches
However
pale and resolute
I knock at those bleached handles
Inevidently pertaining to your heart
How atrocious can this momentum be
If it lurks at your bereaved past
The corners are painted
by your own hands
by your own hurt
However
coy and misunderstood
Finally, this is blatantly ended
in curses and threats beyond
Yet I become frivolous to losing to...
and staring at your beauty
So why don't you...
If my last reluctance
and thus, my craving...
Just remain in me tonight...

The painter fell off the tree...

I'm starting to curse the existence of 4-hour breaks during my Monday&Wednesday schedules... Probably because of the massive boredom dawning upon me and a classmate during this presumed wee hours by other people...

I'm not happy with the lineup of teachers I have for this semester. Although some are boldly marked with a check on their records in positive preference for my future grades, I agree to what EJ thinks that my tuition's not spent wisely if that were so. Talk about having an African-obsessed theatre arts teacher in exchange for my supposed Literature professor ...
Nevertheless, I have no choice...

I still don't feel the thrill in this new semester... Although resectioning and dissolving were bypassed by the college, I was lightly saddened by the fact that a lot of my former blockmates have decided to shift from, if not leave, our section... It's not really depressing... Still, you feel a certain void starting to grow inside your heart as you move on, and even heavier as more individuals choose to depart as well...

Moments are exquisite, as those are permanent marks in time that can never be erased... No matter how far you embark towards future's worldly intentions, history can never be changed... You might choose to forget a part of your life, yet the memory shall still inevitably live in another person's heart...

***
Awhile ago, I was in the library trying to do an internal monologue a.k.a. stream of consciousness for a new post in my journal. However, I was seated next to this guy who was so into plagiarism for some unknown, yet unforgivable, reason... When he saw my site, he quickly copied the address and created his own, and can I say, ridiculous account...
Point forward: He expressed his unoriginality... I, on the other hand, expressed my loathe and spite for his immature act...

When I was in first year college - first semester, to be more specific - I had this classmate who imitated me like hell. She totally disheartened me to continue our friendship further, as she would always copy all of the descriptions in my identity... She'd try hard to like alternative rock and to apply the black motif on all her impractical possessions... She even bought her own notebook to use as her journal! My mind was reverberating with demands of authenticity.

Eventually, I had to tell her off... You couldn't blame me...

***
I'm a self-confessed download freak... I've achieved a download average of 1000MB/day...
Need I say more?
Oh... They're Jdoramas, if you know what they are...

Greens and Clinges

First days are sometimes thoughtless, or if put bluntly, useless...
Teachers sign your registration forms and after which, you are free to go... And where do you end up? In a seemingly evacuated fastfood chain near your school...

I lately realized that I'm having a harder time saving money ever since I got a raise in my allowance. I tend to spend more money than I should for a particular day. It sucks, believe me... Especially when by Friday, I reach in my pocket only to find out that I've nothing left but a pitiful 20-peso bill, enough to suffice for the day's transportation expenses... Geez...

***
My astrology sign dictates that I'm the type of person who indulges to too much clinginess...
I have always had this problem when it comes to relationships that may demand loyalty and trustworthiness... I rarely give my trust to someone, making me a very hard person to deal with... I have this cosmic terror of losing someone that has been a great influence in my life, or worse someone I've grown to really love... When I become close to someone, losing that person becomes such a tremendous difficulty for me that I may end up falling apart or losing myself... Terrible, huh?

So naturally speaking, if I end up as but bittersweet when you're gone... Maybe, you're not that important to me... My apologies for your may-have expectancy...

Posing for Hypocrisy

My mind is currently malfunctioning, probably from too much weariness... I just came back from a supposed "vacation" trip in Batangas... What to say... There was water, people, sand, people, air... Oh, and did I mention, people?? In two words: Nothing special. Or if you prefer one: Overpopulation.

A few days ago I was hopelessly experimenting on my blog settings, hoping to add a little thrill to it... Accidentally, I got hooked into clicking too many icons in my profile that I found myself rummaging through other people's blogs... It was then that I came across this blog-turned-friendster of a self-proclaimed rocker.
I was entertained by the settings on her blog, that I actually started to contemplate and wallow in my kinky pursuit to be more "technologically aware" in terms of customizing my own journal... I scanned through her profile, and lo and behold, she's a fan of Avril Lavigne and Simple Plan... Way to go, rockstar!!! Although I have to say, she really did so well in designing the whole site, that it was actually screaming colors of black and red...
What's with posers anyway? People would always say that we should respect what other people like... But I beg to disagree... I think it should actually be the other way around...

We should respect what others do not like.

If we respect others for their own interests and hide our own disgust, then that would be plain hypocrisy... I'd rather be found bashing a Britney Spears concert (or dead, at that) than pretending to enjoy her acrobatic-slash-ostentatious display...

Point here is, why care? If people hate what you think is cool, then deal with it... Don't even think of bribing or forcing them to like it back... Just think of it as your uniqueness, your identity... It's not cliche, but its sheer practicality...

How can you respect something that you're not even in agreement with? Better give your respect to someone who fearlessly says that s/he thinks your choice of music is odd... Or downright, ugly...

It's not about insecurity, but more of liberation and honesty...

For one thing, I do know that I'm not a hardcore rocker, but I love alternative rock, and I find silence and peacefulness in each crash of an electric guitar... To one person, I can well be a poser for him/her as well, but the thing is, I don't give a shit... For, in non-utopian settings, shit matters in perfect synchronization of its actuality... So, in mere terms, just don't give any... Treat them as inexistent...

There...

So much for looking at other people's blogs...