'Cross the Threshold

Alice came to a fork in the road...
"Which road do I take?^ she asked.
^Where do you want to go?^ responded the Cheshire cat.
^I don't know,^ Alice answered.
Then said the cat, ^It doesn't matter.^

This day, God opened more than a thousand windows. It was to say, in a thousand unspoken words, that a chance is given in replacement for a door he never opened for me.

I saw my grades for the 2nd semester of A.Y. 2005-2006. No failures. And I^m happy, atleast my dad won^t have to criticize my involvement in debate, and not blame all else.

I miss my mom, and that is fairly unusual for my perspective. I never had a good relationship with her, but for some reason, I^ve started to miss being with her. Now that I^m all grown up, -- and I mean that on a mental note -- I^m starting to realize how hard it was for her. Things always appear in a complete whiteout in our family, and she always had to go through a lot. Not that I care less about my dad. I also feel for him in some way.
The most difficult part of life is having no one but yourself. And I guess, my parents, my siblings and I, all have to live through that twinge of reality.

***
Blinded.
I even had to grapple the fact that I am never to acknowledge love. Although my words, my thoughts, my diseases surround its frailty, I am but an anonymity to its own being. So lately had I come to the stirring truth that a score shall always be that, and shall never renew itself.

Each overture of that sickness, I am now bound to take unequal understanding. If I fall hard -- with pointed rocks to seize me from below -- I always take four years to recover. Four years.
To recover misery, but never to cure my revolting blindness.

Now, I had to lift myself up, and derive beauty from inkless pens and scratched papers. That is where I began to dismantle the soreness that I thought would never evade my memory.

Delusional. Insane. Ardent to know nothing but to see through errors, and not live without them.
And with these, I fashioned my new self.

Never to grow up, but has lived ages of creativity.

Paper, Paper, Paper

I am restless yesterday, and even more so today. I just had a couple of meetings last Sunday and Monday with the Thomasian Debaters^ Council as an official member of their organization.
So.. I lately realized how I greatly suck in adjudicating. I had to adjudicate three consecutive rounds of debate (for both days)-- that is me having to criticize people way better than me, and getting thrown with nasty looks saying, ^Oh, you just try..^ But that^s how it is, I am now to be an adj for the Inquirer Inter-collegiate Debate Championship (and that also means getting a good chance to try-out for a slot in Asians).

Problems are sprouting like leaves of mongo seeds intoxicated with Giberellic Acid. I need to find money to pay for the registration fee for IIDC, and more money to make me survive the upcoming days of training.
My dad^s being such a pain in the ass for not wanting me to pursue debate (he says Law is just for my guy cousins -- just how sexist can he get?). Anyhow, I still have training this afternoon at Kuya Iggy^s place, and I still don^t know where to get money to refrain from scavenging for food there. That is, me, not wanting to depend on others to pamper me all the time, just because I^m a new kid.

***
This heartfelt leap I surrender.
Arms raised tonight.

So, good news. I am now the new English Literary Section Editor for CSJ. I got a call from my EIC last night, and she told me the wonderful news while my mind was already half-asleep. She asked me if I wanted to take the offer, and I was like, ^Hrmm.. Do I have to think about that?.. Okay!^ (if you know where this line came from, I just love our compatibility!).
So, what to say, opportunities are passing by in a hurricane these days. I only have one problem..
Yes, that.

When Not to Say More

Right on. I wonder why the sudden evolution of my former batchmates in high school.. God forbid. From autism to pretense. Still no change, just advancement to more pathetic and more pitiable lifestyles.
Advice: Just stop trying too hard.

***
Star City it is!
Peamy, Karla, Yen, Nikki, Andre, Gelo, Mae, Michael, Marra, Tim and I were desperate for a fresh start of summer vacation. And so we ended up spilling dirty water on our uniforms while spending the afternoon (and night) in Star City.
..and proud to Jologs!

Lesson learned, not to go to the Lion King boat-slash-trip-slash-storybook ride again. Aside from torturing yourselves to the excruciating attempt of lion mascots badly portraying Simba, you leave the place with a wet ass due to the ramshackle boat, which changes direction contrary to the waves of the river -- hrmm, imagine that!

But anyway, unfortunate night. Nikki, Andre and I were left with three tokens when everyone else in the group decided to go home. So we ended up having a stupid wager (my idea, indeed stupid): the three of us will each sing a song in the KTV room, and whoever gets the lowest score shall buy drinks for everyone. And so much for my very bad rendition of Whitney Houston^s I Wanna Dance with Somebody (although Andre was more terrible with his Paraiso bit, haha), I got the lowest score and was soon buying Gulaman for the two very lucky boys.
I should^ve just shouted all throughout the song. I could^ve had a good chance scoring a hundred then.

***
I love, love Urbandub. Better hear their new single.
First of Summer.
I marvel at the sound of rare virtuosity in Philippine music.

Railways and Edges

Classmate: Musta test?
Me: Mwahaha, andali lang!
Classmate: O? Sabi nung iba ang hirap daw ah!
Me: Ganun?(napaisip) Kinabahan tuloy ako bigla..
Classmate: Bakit naman, akala ko nadalian ka..
Me: It only means.. either I answered the test correctly, or I made a guessing game out of it (thinks harder) kaya pala ako nadalian!
Classmate: (laughs) Well, that explains everything.

Oh no! But hell, I don^t think I guessed all the answers. Not in the lecture test.. okay, maybe a little in the lab. But I found it easy, really I did. And somehow, I think I^m confident with most of my answers. Wak, defense mechanism!
Moving on..

***
I downloaded a new software in my PC so I could download more MP3^s (and hopefully not as obsessively as my dad).
The pilot run was smacked with ten songs at once. Hekhek, prepare to crash.

***
I still haven^t studied for any of my two tests tomorrow, and I^m damn sure I^ll be getting a healthy karma for being so slothful this supposed study-for-your-next-exam-tomorrow-or-else night. Agh, I am wasted as hell!

So anyway, I was browsing through the Internet and came across this wonderful poem in Jeanette Winterson^s website. Title is Rough Guide by George Szirtes.

Your image destroys itself, remakes itself, and is never weary.

[Octavio Paz, The Prisoner.]

Impossible to look directly into

another^s eyes. Impossible to look

into your own. You read the dense book

of being like a document you flick through.

Eyes, even an inch apart, are blurs,

clouds, like the concept of yesterday

which has an entity you sometimes stray

into beyond the limits of his and hers,

The unknown: the roughest of the rough guides,

and all it says is: you^re here, you^d better make

the best of it. You entered by mistake

and so you^ll leave. It^s what the route map hides

and languages obscure, the magnetic pull

of all you ever see of the beautiful.

****
But I have seen the beautiful. I know

its contours and the rough guide it provides

is blissfully specific: the hand that rides

the ridge of the collarbone or moves along the brow,

the perfect form of momentary light

in this line or another. It^s what Blake

saw at the top of the stair, the terrible earthquake

at the root of the flesh we think of as delight.

It^s what you see when you shut your eyes and see,

the angel with the whip or a flaming sword

that burns your eyes down to the spinal cord,

the shit, blood, semen smell of mortality

you get used to because it follows you

everywhere and is both beautiful and true.

Sweetly rich in beauty. Now that's hands-on review for real Literature. (atleast Octavio Paz is included in our test tomorrow.. is he?)

Over Untamed Frustrations

I am wasted over coffee and formulas of Analytical Chemistry. Gawd, now this is stark geekiness. Dang.
This day is not as productive as I hoped it would be. Blame it on the massive pigging out -- again. And so I should learn to hate food, which is like having to engage in mental conflicts with myself to stop gluttonizing over unnecessary viands. One is enough.

I studied for Chemistry for like ten minutes before typing this post -- and I^ve no idea how that^ll work for me tomorrow, hopefully prayers will.

My dad^s been obsessively downloading all episodes of America^s Next Top Model Season 5 (yes, my father, you read that right) and Grey Anatomy (a good series, something similar to E.R. -- with the paranoid doctors and all; he says it^ll serve as an inspiration for my vocation to be a doctor -- what the..??). Beat that?

So far, Sheer and I were able to pin up all posters for the Playwriting Competition and Debate Summer Training this afternoon. We didn^t have any formal proposal for the summer training, and yet Ma^am Beth signed the flyer (I hope the Dean won^t mind). Go loiter around the third floor and spot some of our ads (that^s forced appreciation on your part -- the ads ate up all our ink!).

I was watching Utada Hikaru^s Unplugged episode in MTV (taped live years back), and man, I felt my heart do a somersault. Her voice just floats, heavily, and drops like an anvil in between your sick ardor. Agh, and she killed me with that rendition of U2^s With or Without You (and that is me not telling you that it^s the hundred-and-uncountable time I^ve heard that song).
Mavy is currently frustrated for not being born with such splendid flair.

So anyway, if you haven^t a clue of what I^m talking about, view this.

Fancy, not.

Another week of no post.
Mirage was released last Friday. Not really proud of my works there, I found them rhetorical in an uncanny way, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, the semblances bit didn^t come out as I wished it could^ve had. Hopefully Momentum will be better for me. (Although I do love the Elope poem.)
If you were able to grab a copy already, give me some concrit in the comments part of this post. Oh, and go read the editorial part. I am a fan of my EIC.

This past week, I was successfully able to pass two Chemistry laboratory quizzes with exemplary remarks. However, Im not that sure about the results of my Biology tests. More than hopefully, they^ll turn out well.
I was also able to do seven designs of posters for the new College of Science Debate and Drama Society (CSTP, reinvented), as well as the Debate Team^s letterhead.

Oh, and another thing, I watched Just Friends in pirated VCD today. The effort of the actors to portray teenybopper lovebirds was something I found, well, overdone with in the entertainment scene. Same old guy wanting to be more than friends with a girl (fails at the start, and unsurprisingly wins the girl in the end), and girl-next-door depicting a so-so lifestyle with overly enthusiastic folks.
And just think how Filipinos always copy this genre of filmography when they should be aiming for better ones, say, Vendetta (which my sister said was politically interesting).

Tomorrow will be the start of finals for some people (those who^re taking up Botany). Yet I^ll just be loitering around the hallways and searching for the teachers with whom I need to settle some of my acads with.
I hate the last part of semester.

A piece of luck: Study.
And if that^s not enough, study harder.

Surrealism, A Thing for

Rain centered towards the afternoon sun today. Weird. Maybe flies are being wed.. Or so the superstition goes.

Test-taking got postponed again. Biology teachers love giving their students a head-spin. I haven^t loaded up my phone credits yet, just because I do not feel the need to. My blood calls for caffeine, not a textmate.
I^m thinking if I should start buying time to sleep. Ignoring the ironic presupposition that I will not be able to achieve rest even through hours of lying in bed; I^ll bargain all my jadedness for that.

The other day, one of my classmates got an unexpected answer for his, well, unexpected question. I tell you, life has the most bizarre quirks a mentally-retarded person could even envision in his mind. You get damaged at the safest place of your system, of your very -- maybe uncontrolled -- ground.
Unusual.

I lately acknowledged the reason for my photo fetish -- although not in an erotic way. I have this fixation on stillness and surrealism, things I rarely see (save for Deviant Art^s) emblazoned truthfully in faulty lenses of normal cameras owned by, yet again, normal people.

I am tired.

Raging Creations

Just finished my email task for Technical Writing class. I realized I have a lot of work to do this weekend, so I need to start doing them one by one. I better start doing the Bio Powerpoint report after writing this.

So much for being OC (said twice, pronounced ok-ok by Kat and Nino). I made a debate statio for our team. *smiles at my OC-ness* The other day, I was watching AMV^s on YouTube. I miss YuYu Hakusho (-- is my favorite anime of all-time!). I was briefly fed with visions of Hiei, Kurama and their secret (not) Yaoi relationship.

I stayed up till 3am this morning, not due to the insomnia (which is now gradually fading), but because I slept from 4pm-9:30pm upon arriving home from school. And that is me not minding the fact that it was brownout then (meaning no air, no light, no decent siesta).
I surfed the net while eating barbequed chicken and java rice from Aristocrat^s and staining the keyboard orange until I felt like sleeping (or sinning sloth even more). I came across this striking poem by Stan Rice:

IN AN ARTIST^S EYE

By the time you are twelve your affections are fixed.
Then come the decades that roll your heart like a cheese
In the sea. Yes, it is surreal.
Then you are twelve again, and old.
And you find the waxed red ball of your heart on the shore.
And you are not surprised by anything now except
You should love at the end what you loved
At the beginning.

*envies the beauty*
Go read more of his poems at my Glitch page.

New Skin

I told you I won^t sleep anymore.
But I did and I lied.

Our org logo rocks. Err, for the parliament division, that is. Take a look. Im a fan of Michael (The artist, whom I^ve been bickering endlessly to finish making the drawing, thank you very much. He really should be in another building. Oh, do take me with you!) Mavy -- frustrated artist.

So what the hell. The new format is so-so. The blogskin^s not compatible with the format of my previous posts (that explains the ^ in place of the apostrophe sign), but I love the techno look. I numbed my butt last night -- that is me, sitting in front of the PC for three straight hours and customizing my Blogger template. The outcome? Still a bit crappy, but good enough.

My caffeine intake is on an uphill these days. Maybe it has something to do with my recent lounging (that is quote-unquote, see, I can^t even do quote symbols on these things!) in the CSJ office. Our EIC is the number one coffee addict in the building; caffeine equals water.

I got a very good score in my Chemistry Lab quiz this morning. Thanks to Nikki^s patience, and constant squabbling, of course. I just need to pass two more, after which, I need not worry about failing the subject.

And so Im about to start another paragraph on how I miss training -- again. I bet people are starting to get bored at reading my entries because I rarely talk about more significant things, err, other than debate -- and myself, of course *grins*. But I do miss debating (see, here it comes), and, in a higher level of rustiness, Im bound to collect bewildered looks on the break of my next speech -- which, sadly, will be witnessed by no less than TDC members.
Lately, Im being haunted by the thought of taking Law after graduating from Biology. Quite a sky rocket off the center of the sky.
But I need to work. I need money. I need my own life.

Our supposed quizzes-taking (take note, quizzeS) got postponed last Wednesday. I should^ve just attended the awarding ceremony at the Med Audi. I could^ve gotten the chance to fluff my ego along with Kat and the other members of the Parliament. Sadly (not), I was already home, sleeping sound on my Mickey Mouse bed.
Anyhow, there^s still Biosoc on Friday. That is, if I get my invitation soon enough.

Sleepy, still.
Light transcends.

Affliction of Some Sort

And I told him that pianos were made to know black keys, not to forever embrace white.

Just a New Description I made for my journal. I miss writing creatively.
Im writing like we don^t have two quizzes for our majors tomorrow morning.
Im not in the mood to study right now; my mind is in catharsis -- necessary purgation, please.

Due to utter boredom, I was able to finish reading two books last weekend, not to mention the new fanfics Kat had recommended through spam email.
Philippine publications, Catch a Falling Star (I forgot the author and am too sluggish to raise my butt from the chair and go find the book inside my room) and Eating Fire and Drinking Water (--again, authorless for now).
Im not really a fan of Philippine books, save for those written by Jessica Zafra and Jessica Hagedorn (this doesn^t even count because her books are published by international companies). If you love for-grade-school-book-reports type of stories, go read the first one. But if you^re the I-feel-intellectual-and-mature type, go grab the second book (I take it as part of the journalistic fiction genre, which of course doesn^t exist). Or vice-versa.

Yesterday, my EIC spilled me with some bad news. If not for this pending amendment in the CSSC constitution, I could^ve had a better chance of being next schoolyear^s English literary editor. The revision strictly states that a student may only be elected as officer for one organization. And even if the amendment^s yet to be approved, she thinks it fair that either way, she^d need someone who^d be more holistically dedicated in serving the journal. Although I feel I can do both jobs effectively, I didn^t want to pry myself too much for the position. But nonetheless, Im still distressed. More than being an officer in CSTP, I really wanted to be a section editor for the journal. But not that I regret having been inducted as CSTP^s secretary, I just feel it more in my heart to be a sec.ed., that^s all.
So much for having two different passions.

=(

Impeccable Talents, I must say...

Finally. So much for last Thursday^s divine intervention and theatrical event. I mean, what the hell? Some people are in need of a beating. Hekhek. In Kat^s words, ^Your tears don^t move me.^ -- so better cut the crap and stop staging a declamation in front of us, because we are -- in no way -- impressed by your act.

I am frustrated for wasting tears for those useless morons. Nevertheless, they should be congratulated for they^ve successfully fumed me with rage. *Mavy -- gnashing her teeth.* Geesh. You should know that I absolutely despise people who backstab my friends (if you do have plans doing that, make sure I won^t have a way of knowing it). I don^t care if you have nothing to do with your life, but I^ll make sure to hunt you down even till both of us reach hell. In short, I^ll kill you.

Anyhow, the new Executive Board of the College of Science Theater and Parliament kicks ass. Not to mention, Im part of it. Harhar. But besides that supercilious remark, believe that to be true. We (mostly Parliament peeps, and Sheer) have lots in store for the coming year; most of which would be so beautifully executed, the others would surely rot in envy. We^re no good in power-tripping, but when responsibilities are given to us, we make sure they^re done impeccably. All hail Krista for that wonderful speech that left all of them flabbergasted and wordless.

***
So, Im back to pigging out.
We won in our Softball match with the 1-3 class today. They^re sour losers, and Im so proud for having irritated them so effectively (I even saw one of them look at me with such resentment after the game). To hell with bitter people -- that, of course, does not include me. Hekhek.

***
I need to start arranging the previous files of CSTP (so much for being a secretary, I should learn to love this job!). So far, I was only able to sort them into two envelopes: one^s for the letters, and the other one^s for the non-letters. See how good I am? *beams*
I also have to start making a website for our organization. I dunno which one^s better: a yahoogroup or a forum? I think the yg^s are better for file and photo-storing, whereas forums don^t have such designated sections -- although they have bigger web spaces.
I better start experimenting on those two. I still have more than two months before the official start of my term (or is it supposed to begin now? ;wak!).
By the way, I utterly detest the upcoming CSSC. May God have mercy on them. I could only pray for honest and accountable leadership, but Id understand if He'll have a hard time giving me that.

It^s hard to change people.
Ergo, better just leave them to rot in hell.

Setting a Sleepy Mind

I hate reading H/D fanfics, most especially the good ones. I end up not being academically productive for that particular night. My only break is for me to write a new entry in this blog. Still, it^s about them.

Thanks to Kat, once again, for informing me that Amalin has changed her LJ site. Go click her name in the list at the right side of this page to view her new one. *_*

Some lines that just won^t leave me be:

• ^Because there^s a fine line between love and hate,^ his breath hitches as Harry mirrors his caresses, ^and I thought we might be able to blur it.^ -- Gracefulfool, Definitions
• ^It^s a promise. Every sunrise is a promise of a new day, and a confirmation that tomorrow has come, and will come again. Sunset is a betrayal.^ -- November Snow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow
• ^You will be my endless suicide,^ whispers Draco, and sleeps. -- Furiosity, A Glass Fairytale
• ^My smile...?^ ^So... so perfect. It makes me want to throw myself under a train.^ --Aja, Love Under Will

Okay, enough of the spamming.
After two days of constant storytelling in front of the main building^s security guards, I finally found my school I.D. Thank God!

We just finished our defense for CWTS a few hours ago. Boredom.

Greggy^s doing well. Turns out he^s a she. Oh well.
Still fits.

Plans for next year^s SDS are on the go. Can^t be more excited.
I really hope Asians will push through for May.
Im sick and in need of debate.
I was arguing while doing the defense awhile ago. See the aftermath?

Anyhow, my mind doesn^t really work coherently right now. I just wrote four poems for Mirage. I do hope the new ones get published. I seriously need more time for the journal now. I^ve not been performing that persistently as before -- it^s a self-evaluation.

Gawd. Sleepy now. I still have to wash my uniform. Better post this now.