Hiker's Emancipation

Idiots on Parade

2006-08-04T21:15:00.000+08:00

So. This is not a good week (or semester). And nothing like bad luck or such should be blamed for my lack of accountability. Far greater than what I'd expected, I failed every single exam I took for the last two weeks. It made me cringe in more than a blasphemized funny sort of way. Ack. My life is miserable, and I don't know where to start fixing it.

Along with the surplus of academic failures, I haven't been performing well in my organizations. My book review reeked, which apparently, I thought to be a goody. Debate rounds gave me a spin of suspicious looks of why I'm suddenly turning into a horrendous speaker with more than ugly cases right before their very eyes. TWG hasn't called back, and I don't know why I've always counted them in. SDDS, well, I've been doing bad templates of letters due to my negligence of not putting our president as a signatory.

Imagine life. Life's not beautiful. It's supposed to be sublime. Fantastic. Ravishing. Not the Lizzie McGuire sort of idiotic, perky atmosphere. Just... Happy.
This weekend, I swear to work my ass and legs off to study for my last quizzes. I can't bear the thought of failing another subject, yet again. What about thesis? What about good ol' tourneys? What about EB responsibilities?
I'm yet to turn into a nobody.

And well, although others would find that just fine.
It won't work for me.
Never did.

Mavy = bound to do something great (atleast once in a while, *smirk*).

Stalemate

2006-07-25T14:46:00.000+08:00

Accounting for memories of damp July seasons, I realized nothing's stopping rain anytime soon. The good thing about it though, few people use electric fans and aircon units to add to the subzero ambiance within bedrooms and living rooms.
And due to the constant supension of classes, I've become an overgrown addict of Fish Tycoon.

There's this unidentified genre of rock music that's briskly trotting the music channels. Or, hrmm, that'd be you actually appreciating them and not switching to another channel. I labelled them as Disturbed Music. And, quite frantically, after sorting more than 700 MP3s in my files, I realized I have quite a hefty number of them. Try this semi-old song of Massive Attack named Teardrop.

A not-so-sudden uprise of game shows in ABS-CBN bewilders me in some way. Admittedly, I marvel the new format of Game KNB with all the diskarte chips and flamboyant set. I could be wondering just how many gowns are stocked inside Kris' wardrobe for her shows. A part of myself commented on the possible take of a surplus project for the distraught families in Lebanon. After all, she never does a second take.

***
Getting a promotion, and now part of the journal's Editorial Board (as Junior Managing Editor), my EIC told me last week that I needed to write my own column for the paper. I got a random blaze of topics running up and down my head.
I wanted to write about eloquence, politics, rain, good writers, books, and even take on the perspective of drawing indelible lines on sensitive issues. But the thing is, I was never good in common directions, my prose and poetry almost always bordered on the presence of nostalgia, incubus, death, schizophrenia and androgeny. There's nothing mainstream about the way I write. And columns and/or editorials, must communicate, must bridge a gap between the writer and the reader; it must be general, not vague and taunting.

Ack. Help. Tell me what to write.

Adorable Misrepresentations

2006-07-24T10:32:00.000+08:00

Most unfortunately, the persistent Glenda blew us away. Classes are suspended, but along with the inconvenience comes the joyous anecdote of a reassembled DSL connection.
I get to listen to more music now that Jom's MP3s are ripped into my own files. Also, along with around 400 new songs was an uninvited virus. It's a good deal I learned how to do that hidden file technique, if not for that, I wouldn't have known that there was an unearthly bug lounging around my files.

Suspensions serve as my only free days. For three consecutive weekends. I have been presupposing myself in the enjoyment of my organizations' general assemblies, debate trainings and newbie lessons. I ran through my Organic Chemistry Laboratory formal report breezier than the current typhoon.

It's a good thing I finished the features article for the journal last Friday night. I had the worst first time. Paradoxically, first times are supposed to be fun and knowledgeable, not dry and embarrassing. When we got to Makati to do the interview, things started screwing up on their own. Add to the fact that hrmm, feeling of being so unprepared (pictures of pending fish eggs in Fish Tycoon in brain) and wasted over imminent academic demands. I had to manically revamp my dignity in the course of writing the article. Terrible.

There's this quite unpopular emo band, I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness, not that they're ostracized or anything. They're a good description of an easy love. Try listening to some of their songs over the drugged download softwares. Piracy won't hurt.

Seasonal Writing

2006-07-17T18:30:00.000+08:00

I've always had this temporal fear of having a failure to un-attach over things I've deeply, and unwantingly directed myself unto. It's almost two weeks since that last talk with the school registrar, and mind you, my life never got any more fascinating since then.
I've always known problems to be a simple pushover, for you to start doing things you don't regularly do. Apparently, I've proven myself wrong in that ideal.

I've been unintentionally losing weight due to stress and the unsubdued woralcoholicism. I'm having fun in the journal, and life in TDC's never been so warm.
Rain, as usual, is still malevolently dashing round and about the whole country, but this is my season. And I'd just have to say, I love it!

I've had two hours of sleep last night due to a triple examination feast (yet again) with my Wednesday major subjects (by the way, this is me writing in another date), and life's never been any loftier than an Absinthe Party within the walls of my Chemistry Laboratory class. Of course I wouldn't mean that literally. I meant my pseudo-experiment on possible drug addiction on Caffeine precipitates heated on foil (addict: yum yum). If only theses can be as curiosity-bending and, outwardly, more experimental in every sense.

I think people are starting to lose interest in reading this blog. And I, quite uncaringly, am just unmoved about all of it. I'm yet to open a new blog in Livejournal. Since bloggers are writers and writers need to grow and explore other venues, I'll be taking that step.

I told Rizza the other day that it kills me as an artist that I couldn't fully express myself in my chosen course. My major subjects limit my capabilities and knowledge in the international scene, in the legal mandate and in the literary portrait. It's intoxicating, believe me. But on direly cultivated and challenging moments, I've realized that in life, it's all a toss of choices. If you want it, work for it. There's no simpler way.
Luck's as temperamental as the change of seasons.

It's all a deal with it, or prefer dying.

Coloquial Terms

2006-07-06T18:40:00.000+08:00

Nothing special. Just a day topped with a cherry spelled with much difficulty, for me to continue living a normal life. Maybe a special day requires an extraordinary feat involving a serious mishap that will make you think -- think too strongly on your feet.

On holidays and, well, obscure occasions, I usually have a random feast of highlighting particular events. Say today, I got a phonecall from one of the admin people telling me that I need to bicker a few people for money. Ermm, no need to expound on that.

It always rains on my birthday, and due to that incessant shifting of weather, I've become accustomed to the blistery atmosphere that severely channels goosebumps on my skin. Bluntly said, rain has gradually become my aftershock.

***
It's lonely to stay home alone, but it's much lonelier to eat outside with only yourself to marvel on viands and rice. Not that you envy the people uncontrollably expressing diversions of PDA, but there's this stark recognition of a hardly swallowed food inside your throat. There's this unwanted lump of solitude and despair, unfulfillingly accustomed by the absence of a supposed, lounging within the walls of your mind.

I contemplate on the sound of predominant pre-assessment every now and then.
It's more than weird, really. It's insane.
Absolutely.

First of Rain

2006-07-05T11:24:00.000+08:00

Because there's nothing better than drowning your ears in music.

It's July, and I need not elaborate on my feeble attempts to revive my enthusiasm for posting in my blog. Not that I'm starting to forget about it, ermm, not having a computer almost equates to expedient mortality for me.

Tomorrow, my biological age shifts into full gear. Yes, I'm turning 19 in a lopsided point of view.
I'm sick. I'm jaded. And I'm failing...

I just finished taking up my first exam for this semester (Invertebrate Zoology), and must I emphasize that I have two other quizzes waiting on queue while I'm typing this note? I could hardly put my mind together while answering my first test. My mind seemed like an underemployed civilian of a thriving society. Yes.

I mumbled at my being similar to a pen running out of ink. The questions hardly registered inside my brain (or maybe it's just me, thinking I have one). Of course, there was that detracted hint of a lost identification card flying above my head, yet I couldn't make up a single word to replace my forgotten knowledge.

I'm hating this day.

***
There are numerous reasons why bad luck exists. Take for example a pending good karma waiting to end your day with a bang. My Histology test also went down the drain, but thanks to my future thesismate, Pao, I got a passable mark.
Zoology Laboratory was less tormenting, or maybe due to the awesome cloud of release and joy breaking through the latter part of the afternoon.

I stained my skirt more than awfully and managed to command Pecto to wash the blotch off.
The scenario ended with Mavy in a yellow skirt.

Stalking New Writers

2006-06-26T17:00:00.000+08:00

Angelo Suarez and Patrick Rosal.

and instantly you want her,
knowing well enough
there isn't any difference really:

that she is you and you are her
as both of you are everyone else,

waiting only to love yourselves

because there is no one else to love.

by Angelo V. Suarez "Everyw(her)e"

***
I haven't posted any word for more than two weeks.
My mind's rotten, and not because I haven't been writing, but because I have lately been succeeding in my attempts to die a slow, painful death due to workalcoholicism -- or whatever that's called.

Last June 11-13, I was in Antipolo to attend a Team-Building Activity / Writing Seminar Series with my College of Science Journal family.
I got to meet Lourd de Veyra, Radioactive Sago Project's frontman and Bernice Roldan, a short story writer from UP. Somehow, it made me think I have been writing nothing but crap ever since I gave in to more than shallow pursuits of defining puppy love (yup, and even through coffee themes). I found out there's a bigger circle of profound Filipino literati's than what Kat and I thought to have been extinct for a long time now.

It wasn't really the usual feeling of being "burned out" that haunted me during those two nights, but the massive attack of a growing wisdom tooth, making me want to get all my teeth jammed in the brink of closing elevator doors.

It was terrible. I couldn't even swallow my own spit.

***
First day of school was a so-so. Not to mention the random guy-hunting a fellow staffer and I did to frustratingly devour ourselves in the presence of fresh and young blood in the college.
Our very unfortunate section got hooked up with terror professors for this semester. Even computer class gave us no room to breathe.

But I love the ire of professors, because it makes me criticize and watch them more if they're really brilliant or just plain for show.

***
Recruitment week (university-wide) was fun. Besides engaging myself to exploring the uninteresting field of sales-talking, I was able to persuade quite a good number of people to join TDC.
I'm loving every bit of my extra-curricular life. And that, not actualizing the big brown monster I saw in the doorsteps of my college building last week.

***
Saved the best for last. I got awfully drunk last Friday at Kuya Mok's pad (Kuya Iggy's birthday).
I drank a glass of Margarita, 8 shots of Tequila and 6 glasses of Baileys and topped it off with a sudden snooze on the couch. I vomitted all over the place.
Ugh.

But I had loads of fun. Even though some part of my hair's still smelling of puke right now.
Thanks for the patience everyone.

Influence in my Ears

2006-06-10T22:37:00.000+08:00

Religious: I Want to Fall in Love with You by Jars of Clay. Hah!

So. While reading this reaction-stirring post by a co-debater in another society, I could hardly swallow the inevitable verity that people (especially debaters) can, by a hair's breadth, be persuaded when they've already decided to close their minds before you can even tell them what you think. More importantly, how the principle actually does work.

And well, there are always those people gauging wind and spitting fire under anonymity. Tsktsk. Must not do that.
Suggestion: if you're an abysmal coward, and nothing more, do not use proper names. Stick to pronouns or common terms then; but do declare your identity.

***
Hmm, so the meeting didn't have those bloodcurdling moments since most of the people who came were the ones who didn't really need much of the reprimanding.

I got assigned to organize the outreach program for December, something that heavily required me to ask help from my previous CWTS facilitator. We're looking for a GK site, preferably in the province. Err...
Don't ask.

***
The playlist:

Record-breaking

2006-06-09T22:41:00.000+08:00

I hate record stores here in the Philippines.
Not only do they have incomplete labels and albums in their inventory, but they rarely ship in good music.
Take for example this awesome compilation of Emo Rock songs, Punk Goes Acoustic, which I'm dying to get my hands on right now. Yes, count that in my birthday wishlist (...and this is an old, old collection by the way. Have been rummaging through stores for this for almost a year).
Unerringly why you cannot blame the countless individuals who patronize download softwares in the Internet. Because the idea of good music is not about authenticity, it's all about veracity.

***
This is one of those hellish, perturbed days I completely loathe.
Needing money to pay our Meralco bill, I had to scavenge for big money bills from my debate orgmates in Science. And well, sweetly, they didn't think twice of helping me out (yes, me and my innate for-charity-program self).
For someone being unfashionably late in a general meeting, I couldn't get any more moved by their gestures of generosity.

Then again, third year... here I come!

***
I'm currently feeling a bit giddy and scared because the seniors are about to throw a fit tomorrow to all those (including me) who weren't able to attend the NYC Oregon-Oxford Debate. I no longer feel confident that my purportedly valid excuse would pass right under their nose. But I did have work to do. And if I had the time, I would be there.

Ack. Wish us luck tomorrow. We'll all be getting immense scolding.

***
I swore not to be mean anymore to people who never learn from what I say about them.
So I'll keep my mouth shut.

Under the Reggae Moon

2006-06-08T22:57:00.000+08:00

Queer.
In just one day, your life instantaneously picks up the pieces that have supposedly fallen apart for long seconds now.
It pays to trust God with all your heart. (That He will never let you down for as long as you believe in Him.)

Now my only problem is how to defer the contract I recently signed.
And, that I had to ask a big, big favor from one of my dearest friends even if half of myself wanted to pull back and crash on its own.
Quite funny how I almost wanted to demolish my own life, if not close to literally, atleast give up my worthy aspirations.

But there's always hope. No matter how much you spite its cheesy and faulty realism. You've got to learn to cling to it, one way or another.
It's the only sweet peril of life.

***
Reggae is my music.
I have been shutting myself up with on-repeat playlists of reggae music (e.g. Island Riddims, 50 First Dates OST, Brownman Revival and Bob Marley).

I went to UST earlier to fix the letters and papers for our AUDC reimbursement. It appears we're still going to get it in a week or two from now, making me arrive at a rash decision to inexorably bicker someone else for the money. Or, well, something like that.

Kat came over to my house so we could scan the previous letters (supposedly for subsidy) and reproduce it into a refund note. Our office is very nitpicky on money requests because of a recent issue I scooped up, of the CSSC using the orgs' budget for the Leadership Training and Planning Seminar (LTPS) and successfully wasting every single penny.
And don't make me start on better planning skills (because our EB had a better take on organizing a larger and more educational TBA/writing seminar).

So what can I say about these theoretically existent "leaders" of our college?
They should learn how to move up their asses the right way!
(excess: If you try to recount the votes they garnered last election, they didn't even reach 51%.)

Anyway, so I have to deal with a lot of important stuff tomorrow:
There's this NBI clearance, tuition money, AUDC "refund", medical exam and Science Debate meeting. Well, it is about time. ^_^

What to say, there's always a rainbow after the rain (and not there's a rainbow always after the rain, as what some stupid song puts it!).
I love it! Life's back to normal.

Where Faces Fall Apart

2006-06-07T18:15:00.000+08:00

I got through Convergys. (",)
Still, I must be the saddest person on earth this minute.

If I believe.

***
People want and need different things to make them continue breathing. It's a fact almost as fascinating as the previous existence of Barter.
Some would trade oxygen for books, food for letters, money for dreams.
Unfortunately though, it's not anything like a 7-11 store: open 24 hours a day, counting weekends, holidays and nights when everyone is huddled inside thick blankets.

But, damn it. If only that were true.

At this moment, I'm willing to barter my soul if only to continue being in school; to keep on writing in the imperfectly laid out pages of the journal and to remain speaking in front of a podium, even if watched by only a handful of naive apprentices.

You seldom find people with chock-full contentment. You rarely become one.
And I'm scared to know why I've reached living a worthless life.

Maybe, it is a long walk to forever as what I heard when I turned thirteen.
Or perchance, there are just things that are hard to demarcate from the imaginative.

***
Thank you.

It's Raining Bullfrogs and Caterpillars (also PC Murder)

2006-06-03T22:24:00.000+08:00

Okay. I'm officially about to murder my computer for its lack of cooperation and for ruining my longest blog entry yet! It just restarted... again (and by that I mean it's the third time I've written this post!).

But since I have no damn choice, I would have to write everything from scrap and wishfully pretend that I am indeed gifted of a good memory.

***
On Monday, 9pm I'll be having my final final interview for a fulltime post in Convergys. They have these crazy shifts for applicant interviews, and even for exams. Last night, after finishing a 4-hour test of Call Simulation and E-Skills, my eyes were starting to see double figures whenever I look at the TV screen and/or the computer monitor.

Since for the past two years or so I have been contenting myself with Nescafe 3-in-1 coffee sachets (and sometimes even unsatisfactory vendo coffee), I was staggered to find out that a short Americano cup now costs 80 bucks in Starbucks. I had a 110-peso lunch in Jollibee yesterday afternoon and decided to enjoy myself with a cup of coffee and a few crumpled spreads of newspaper in an unfashioned bank building (still in Ayala) with a small branch of Starbucks in its ground floor. I was waiting for a call from Convergys, whether or not they're still going to allow me to change my application into a fulltime post. I left the place with a measly 20-peso bill left in my purse and with a couple of grumblings here and there.
On the more enlightening side, I was able to write a few lines while lounging in the place. Here's what's written on the worn-out tissue paper:

This will be me ten years from now:
Butt stuck on wooden chair, coffee cup in one hand and blog pen in the other.
Still a caffeine addict and a dilemma-prone biatch.

I sit here, looking at those people who seem to have a life of their own; a life as parallel miserable as mine. Some satisfy themselves with fetishes of simulated rape a.k.a. porn, but never wanting to be pedophiliacs. Others are mere window onlookers and without a purpose to continue living. So who am I form this brady bunch?

None.
I'll be in front of a podium, debating.

Dullness. Quite figuring of a better way to make use of my time, I went to People Support and thought of also giving its CSR fulltime post a try. While I was waiting for the application test (which was scheduled to begin on 1:30 and started around 3pm instead) to start, I got a call from Convergys, asking me if I can make it to a 3pm exam. I gladly agreed thinking that People Support was a supposed work-ethics-major type of company and Convergys was just right across its building. Unfortunately, I seemed to have gotten my hopes up too much because I ended up running to a sari-sari store right across People Support to call the HR hotline of Convergys to reschedule my exam. I lied about getting robbed (got this from Kat) and needing to go home and get money. Thankfully, she responded quite friendly about the issue and told me to come back at 5pm that day.

I hastily answered the application test for People Support since it was mostly on English comprehension, vocabulary and grammar. I skipped the practice exam for typing, thinking that it was optional (and since I started later than the others because I didn't have my application number with me; the administrator was a humbug type of person) and due to that careless decision, I failed.
The consolation prize was a handout for English enhancement and SVA's.
Really. I so needed that.

Getting downhearted after failing an English test for the first time in my life, I swore to take the Convergys exam as carefully as I can -- even if it'll take me a day to finish the entire thing. Truth be told, I exited the building around 10pm that night with cold feet and shapeless eyes staring across the Ayala Avenue, completely deserted of public vehicles.

Intermission: I saw this cute, cute guy in Convergys a la Yael of Spongecola. I figured he's an HR there, all the more reason why I must get in. After a while of interviewing a couple of applicants, he had to leave the reception area (where I was staying) to go to another floor for I don't know what. Completely not thinking about him, I went into the front desk and asked for the directions to the CR. They have this weird building architecture so that they're nearest CR is situated in the 3rd floor. Lucky for me, after getting lost for five minutes, I found the place near the end of some steep hallway. On my way back, I ran across the guy in the same elevator. So, to make the long, tiring and worthless story short: we had a 5-second moment alone.
And not like we talked or anything, that was just it.

***
I had a meeting with the SDDS members this morning. It wasn't at all like the usual light and bubbly atmosphere I've always experienced with them. Well, that's what happens if some people think so inferior about themselves whenever someone else steps up (and not like it's our fault for being chosen). Ugh, try thinking more maturely, will you? Talk about insecurity.

I just watched the last episode of The OC Season 3. And can I just say that it reeked?
Spoiler alert: Someone died.

Non-Sensationalism

2006-05-31T22:04:00.000+08:00

I'm dreadfully bored, due to a non-academic and eventless day. I've been lying in bed for almost 12 hours to kill time. I've watched 2 mind-numbing movies, the whole series of America's Next Top Model Cycle 5, and have only paused for peanut breaks (that's me, munching on my grandfather's stocked peanuts).
Imagine how much worse my life could possibly get if I do not get enrolled this sem. There's only a 5% chance that I'd still be seeing my blockmates this June. Otherwise, I'd have to prepare my farewell to debate, to the journal and to the only sensible space in my life.
Yes, I gotta love the drama right now. I am listening to Utada Hikaru's Final Distance by the way, and to Weiss Kruz' anime soundtrack.

***
I was thinking of making another blog -- either another one here in Blogger for my poems and prose, or in LJ to formally move my posts there. But. I've gradually learned to love my template and moderation here. Maybe I'll just content myself without any friends (online) to share my idiosyncratic remarks.

Yesterday, I had a conversation through text with one of my closest friends in UST. She just broke up with her boyfriend and has plans of studying in her province instead. See where love can mislead you sometimes. But I talked her into giving the idea more thought, since, after all, her problem is not really much of a pain considering what I'm going through right now.
And I must be horifically anesthetized about everything since I still find reasons to smile once in a while and think about the good stuff that I still have with me. Hrmm, like a few scratches of my debate notes from AUDC and my undelivered poems for CSJ's next ish.
You just have to believe sometimes, that God never puts you into a position He knows you wouldn't be able to handle or, for the lack of a better term, come out alive from.

Atleast, I'm here and I've got the air in my lungs (got that from Titanic).
But soon enough, I know that if I do not get this chance, I would soon become a social deviant and would have to live in a drab and desolate life afterwards. Just because I'm no longer the same kind of person I came in the institution before.
And well, that would mostly be the sucky part of everything else.

This is me thinking why I've always thought I was a pessimist.
Now that stupid hope is 80% of what makes me continue to move on.

Obscure Life

2006-05-30T19:44:00.000+08:00

I believe God has a different approach to playing pranks or throwing jokes on people.
I just proved that today.

I went to school to check on my scholarship application and soon found out (after an hour of waiting for them to return from their lunchbreak) that I wasn't eligible for the benefits. Just because. Yes, I am an irregular student, and never mind the neon-colored no deficiencies-slash-back-subjects attached to my introduction.
I was thinking aloud in my head about how tedious it was for me to stand in front of the mirror the whole morning just trying on different non-goth clothes to make me look the least bit normal and scholarly (or that I'm in need of awesome financial support). Really.

The two peppy girls in the front desk started babbling about how I still have to enroll myself and with my own money (they're not getting the penniless issue, see) so I can hand them a copy of my registration form and how I'm supposed to pass a series of interviews (like I've never gone through this; i.e. see yesterday's post) before being handed over the support.
I wanted to scream at them. Something like: Don't you friggin' get the issue here?!? Or do you need me to spell it out for you?
But hey, I didn't want to get an automatic leave without filing for a proper LOA.

So, just a couple of minutes ago, I checked my second email account and received a message from the job search engine I'm registered in. They're inviting me for an interview in Ortigas (and yes, transportation expenses again) on Friday regarding the CSR job.
Well, hopefully it's part-time.

***
Was having a marathon of The OC Season 3, and guess what? The last CD's not working!
My life just stinks.

Tongue-tied

2006-05-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

I just saw the tabs from AUDC '06.
I'm happy our team did so well considering it's our first international competition. Kudos Pecto and Marionette. *gives a toothpaste commercial smile* (No, not the flirty one. Just the wide "oh, you see my teeth" beam.)

Pecto won the bet, sadly. We had this 10pesos/round potluck for our deal, uh, so the total amount was a 210. (We had 7 break rounds, you do the math.) I ranked 2nd in the team, 28th in the overall speaker ranking, and 7th in the 15 UST contingents. My highest was a picky 76 from the IIU Mat B (Indonesia) and IMU A (Malaysia) rounds.

***
Just got through almost 10 call center visits/application a few hours ago. Three of those, I ended up walking in the offices of different banks. I won't trust infamous net search engines again.

There's still a good chance that I'd get enrolled this sem. Thank God for the hefty number of guardian demons surrounding me. (You know who you all are. Thanks... really.) Hopefully, my dad won't turn ballistic once he finds out, lest I get another worthless nagging.

I wasn't able to pass by school today, though. Had to prioritize work first. Oh, and I almost forgot to post in this awkward moment I had in a group interview awhile ago. One guy from the group was asked to do a spontaneous reply upon the problem of an illiterate child who doesn't know how to tie his shoelaces. Here's how it went:

Guy: Uh... what does illiterate mean?
Interviewer: (forehead starts to wrinkle a bit) Ermm, the child doesn't know how to write and read, and he doesn't know what's left and right.
Guy: (uncomfortably clears his throat) Dude, (yes, he wanted to establish a connection) hold the ends of the two laces (imaginary illiterate kid --> what???) and... (pauses for almost a decade).
While at pause... Mavy shifts awkwardy in her seat. The others? staring at the ceiling, chewing their fingernails, singing in their heads...
Interviewer: Okay, forget it.

The latter part of the interview was, ermm, interesting. The interviewer asked me to compare myself to an animal, and guess what I picked: a monkey. And I had this geopol explanation regarding that rather impulsive answer. Don't even ask.

Hopefully someone calls back. Of course, this is a wishful thinking since every company I applied for grumbled with nothing but a fulltime job offer. Well, if only it's that easy.

So much for not wanting to leave debate.

Slytherin

2006-05-28T12:17:00.000+08:00

Sinking, and in search for sunshine

Dead hair sleeping on shoulders
Slow
Lament...
Your existence is bigoted
A thought resting only in my mind

I look forward to facing the window
Where sunshine laments
Windows...
A thought
But hush, and call sleep

I sink as if
I'm you
.mavy 052806

***
Irrational. I finally found the perfect word to intensify my situation these past few days.
Not my mind though, just the crappy instances I'm placed at, or maybe somewhere beneath.

I'm off to scout for jobs again tomorrow, and of course, to fix some school stuff. If I don't find a stable solution by Thursday, I might as well file for an LOA.
Kat and I have the same problems right now. But I told her last night, with regard to concerns, I'm more anxious about my pending responsibilities if I do not get enrolled.

I have CSJ (with just 2 months of taking pleasure in being English Literary Section Editor), Science Debate (one that hones me into a better layout artist and graphic designer, schmuck) and TDC (I can't swallow the inevitable conclusion of not getting into Nationals).

These three organizations drive me to do better and to cross the eye of every needle each terrible waking day. They're also some of the hardline stances that breach me to catharsis and make me hope that I'll soon get past these poisonous ordeals.

I've matured from angst, from rebellion and from impatience.
Yet there's one thing that I can't seem to get out of my system:
Passion.

If you read through my previous posts, it only emboldens one thing: my love for writing and debate. If you release me from the insomnia, then I wouldn't know where else to put my self.
It supercedes my academics, but not to say that it replaces them. But if you rip me apart, there are nothing but words and imagery in my blood, and these are the only things that keep me from jumping out of high railings.

... I just wish it's not this difficult.
But I'm thankful I'm still breathing.

Humor Me

2006-05-26T18:34:00.000+08:00

I figured life's not really a bitch. It just fancies bastardizing people.
For inept reasons, needless of stressing, my dad decided not to enroll me this coming semester.
Weirder though, I didn't feel a hint of despair and depression.
I felt... uneven.
Unmoved.

***
So. AUDC '06 was promising.
Again, we almost broke. If only we won the last round.
But anyway, it was a breathtaking experience. I got to meet a lot of people from different countries (Japan, Thailand, Indonesia and Malaysia).
Wow. Also, I gained new summer flings from two of those countries. *grins*

Seemingly though, the crash course proved effective. We were able to win four rounds out of seven (five of those, I was second speaker). Although I had a bit of a problem during my first try; imagine going against UP Diliman's Team A for my amateur breakthrough. Nicolo and Claudia thrashed my arguments like they were some dirty laundry.

Pecto had his own crash course as well -- for conversation skills. Turns out, he has a dull tongue when it comes to speaking to people he does not know. So much so that he laughed off one of his conversations with the Japanese delegates. (Which kinda reminds me of the porn debate. We, as Filipinos, proved ourselves to be more knowledgeable in that entertainment genre.)
At the end of the day, Winston Churchill was proven to be a white guy, contrary to what Pecto carelessly professed.

I had one of the best teams in my whole debate experience yet. Hail to the Bratatat team composed of the most antipatiko/a in the UST.
Slaughter mode.

UST A, the only breaking team from our institution made it till Octofinals. Ate Cy won 6th overall best speaker, and Kuya James adjudicated till the final round.
The rest... Well, we're still waiting for the tabs. *winks*

Fortune Cookie

2006-05-17T15:42:00.000+08:00

Hrmm... So again I am but a neglectful soul.
But a lot of good news.
Just a rundown before I start going on to details here.

First, I got the job in West and shall be starting soon -- come the next batch of trainees.
Second, IV's were great. I ranked 2nd best in all UST contingents. My highest was a 77 from a Singaporean adj.
Third, I am debating for the Asian Universities Debating Championship for UST Team C with Pecto and Marionette as my teammates. I am going to do second.

***
I soon learned about the pending job offer after bombarding West with calls regarding my application status. Soon enough, the barrage paved way and they gave me a call saying I passed the final interview (and to wait for further notice with regard to my job offer).

Stunning.

***
UST Intervarsities, which lasted from last Monday, the 15th, till Tuesday, the 16th, was one hell of a tournament.
Fun. Not to mention, I got smacked with three La Salle teams, and our team almost broke. 9th in the list. Just harsh.

The first round, we were up against DLSU D (with their cute DLO); the motion was about beauty pageants and cosmetic surgery. The usual sickness of being mesmerized, grounded my heart not to air out points of information.

The second round, we lost to DLSU A, by a thin, thin margin and by an unconvincing adjudication. Claire got most upset for having her brilliant argument ignored by the adjudicator. He didn't even say anything about our flaws. DLSU A even preconceded that we won that round.
But hey, no spite.

Last round, wow. DLSU C made me do a breakthrough manner during debate. Really dynamic. Also, we got kicked out of the rooms too soon due to internal problems with the staff. And, well, it was indeed a sad night since we had problems with the Break Night and the room reservations.

PUTA (Philippine Universities Team A) with Bobby, Franco and Carl as contingents, won the finals against ADMU A.

***
Yes. AUDC.
Nothing more to say.
I'm grateful.
And shall be indulging in a crash course for 2nd speaker position soon.

A Blast of Neurons

2006-05-07T12:25:00.000+08:00

A sudden rush of anxiety. Hmm... I missed training today. My body's not being so cooperative with my schedule demands recently. I called West yesterday to check if I got the job offer. Unfortunately, and after wasting 10 pesos of my money, Kat told me HR's were off work during weekends.
Pfft.

I feel the giddiness to make up for the many weeks I haven't been posting in my blog. Four is a pitiful number, if you ask me. Especially when you take it as a month-long attainment.
Pia sent me a text message last night, telling me such wonderful news. Ate Nizza has sent me a package of three awesome DVDs and another Oguri series! Woohoo.
Just one more: Summer Snow. Better brush up on my contacts.

***
If tardy fate permit that I get a job by next week, I'll surely have problems fitting my training schedule with that of my tournament weeks. For the third week of May, I'll be participating in the UST Intervarisities with Joan and Claire as my teammates. As for the week after that, I'd be adjudicating for Asians. Hrmm.. Or that is if I'm already able to pay my registration fee, which glares at me with a 4-digit amount of Philippine peso.
Mercy.

Yesterday, I also realized how I'm quickly getting old. Not only am I bound to train science and not debate for them anymore, I also get to work with seniors in the debate community. For the past two weeks, we were being trained by no less than Atty. Arlene Maneja, Bar Topnotcher and last Filipino champion of the World Debating Championship.
I roll down the floor - along with lighted incense - for her remarkable brilliance. In Filipino slang "As in!!!". She's so intelligent that when she starts talking you'll start to wonder if you are indeed gifted of a brain, or you're just pretending to be human.
A blast of neurons, as Kat would describe it.
Any debater can't help but glorify her.

***
So hrmm... Since I'm at home (my dad's place), I think I better start working on my book review and English prose.
Work calls.

Artisan Dream

2006-05-06T13:13:00.000+08:00

It's highly unusual how every writer's dream connotates to wanting our craft never to rot in our overridden frustrations. For the past weeks -- or a month as I may roughly put it -- I haven't been posting regularly to update my blog on things that have been spontaneously happening in my life.

I asked myself the same question I illusioned almost a half a year back.
"Why do I want to have a journal?"

I bet writers' influences are very much relative and poignant to a certain point that it gets frustrating how you can never perfectly leave people to understand what you really mean (no matter how good you are in imagery). Words are but mere creatures to suffice for what lacks in reality. Maybe one thing God never really planned to bear us with.

While I was editing the works of my literary staffers, I was disturbed. Not with the output, but with how I've started to leave my other passion in hope of besting the other one.
Debate has grown to be a passion, a desire, a mainstream in my bloodflow circling my veins.

I was left to derive every inch of what's left in my personality to draw my new self. Almost a year ago, I was thoroughly neglectful of my potentials. I was more eager to spare myself for others than to develop what I already have as an artisan.

For this year's first issue of Mometum, I've surpassed different ordeals.

Tara sa kawalan ng ating katotohanan
Ngunit sa lahat ng kasinungalingan
Tayo'y iisa.

My works were dry, steady, and yet striving for a new color and flavor to their entity.

Nothing. This past month was bloody. Murderous like hell. But for some inept reason, I am silenced. Stolen by the air to redo all that is wrong.

Defy Instruments

2006-04-24T18:02:00.000+08:00

Yesteday, we had out tryouts for the AUDC. I got really good speaker scores -- an average of 74, which is a thumbs up for any TDC newbie. Sadly though, I'm still bound to be an adj because I need more experience in order to officially debate for the university. But I'm setting my goals straight to make it doubly sure that I debate in National Debating Championsip (to be held in Baguio, this November).

***
I got this interesting fact from my TDC trainer's forwarded mail,
Imagine your cell battery is very low, you are expecting an important call and you don't have a charger. Nokia instrument comes with a reserve battery. To activate, press the keys *3370#. Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.

Ate Cy says it actually works, so keep me posted for negative results.

***
I'm going to have an interview in Kat's company, West, this coming Wednesday. Hopefully, I'll finally get the job. Never mind the bugging idea that I'd have to wear a corporate attire each shift. What's highly important right now is that I earn my own money and certain people won't have to think that my life is solely dependent on theirs. I've never been a parasite.
And never will be one.

Honestly Awake

2006-04-15T21:27:00.000+08:00

Tired. I haven't been getting a good amount of sleep these days (or like I was having one before).
A lot of bad news, or sad news, as I may label most of them.
Where to start?

Hrmm. I'm not enrolling for summer class after all. My dad, after hearing some of my shameless backstabbing about his current girlfriend, had a fit and decided not to pay for my summer tuition anymore. See how absurd his logic is?
Anyhow, I went to Makati (with Kat) last Monday to scout for job openings in call centers. I saw Pecto in Convergys -- he's on OJT. Application was sucky. Convergys and Teleperformance wanted me for full time, and although the offer was really, really good, I had to turn them down. Well, aside from the bond, they're encouraging me to stop schooling first. Imagine, the flabbergasted look on my face. Anyhow, People Support and Etelecare still have no part time openings as well, but the good thing there, they promised to give me call as soon as there's a free shift.

So, I'm off to my mom's place for the entire summer so my dad wouldn't know I'm working. Of course being the senile person that he almost is, he'll surely make a big fuss out of it. "So, you think you can be independent now, do you? Then go pay for your own schooling fees." Really, I find my dad very interesting sometimes.

Sigh. And lastly, news says my section will be dissolved this coming year. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that they're just unreliable hearsays and rumors. Mhye says there's no way in hell that'll happen.

But on the enlightening side, the book review section for the journal is now under the English Literary team. That means, more work, and at the same time, more fun. Atleast I have more reasons to push me to read now. I remember sleeping in the middle of Robert Langdon's journey in Angels and Demons. Maybe with all the pending responsibilities, I've also given up joyous pastimes.

I'm currently in an internet cafe, and am all dressed up for debate training in Kuya Mok's place (TDC). Kuya Tope (senior member) will also be there, so you guys just wish me luck.
Oh, and tomorrow, I'm off to PLDT and West to apply... again.

Fighting Heat

2006-04-10T15:56:00.000+08:00

Summer.
Not the burns that cauterize the skin due to the sun^s direct shot of ultraviolet rays. I^m talking about classes.
Comparative Anatomy. Yes, the cat dissection.

***
Finally. I^m on the brink of graduating on time with my ^technical^ batchmates. I^m bizarrely excited to start going to school again, considering the fact that I^m yet to take up one of the hardest major subjects in my course and in all curriculums of my university combined.

I called up Nikki last night through landline, and I was going all emotional -- teary and all -- after receiving a text from my mom. Her message:
How much money do you need for IIDC and to survive the remaining days of training?
I was moved beyond possible utterance. Not because I needed the money, but something highly more than that. My mom always understood how I loved to debate, to write, and to go crazy over useless things. A few significant things my dad never really had an open mind on.

Silly. Although I was not able to reply to her message because I was in pathetic load crisis, my gratitude was sky-scraping.
Thinking it over during mass last night, I still do not want to ask money from my mom because I know she still has a lot of things to worry about. And I^d rather see her money get spent on necessities than on my dreams. And I mean that on a practical standpoint, not on a dramatic tone. I understand her situation more now compared before. Currently, it^d be best not to think of myself. Maybe I should visit her on Wednesday after enrollment. My dad^s girlfriend is being such a tapeworm in my brain.
Yes, migraine cause. Another fictional character in the scene.

Every time I try to open up the subject of Law with my dad, he grumbles about it being an unreasonable course for me to take up after Biology (a big duh, one of my fellow debaters, Julius, is now going to take up Law after graduating from Biology -- it^s an even better training ground that Political Science, mind you.). I felt really lonely last night. Really unusual. I^ve never felt that melancholy for a while now -- with all the things I needed to take care of. I^m surprised at how I was able to survive the past week with only enough money for transportation expenses. My pocket was sagging with filthy air and nothing more.

The next thing I^d have to worry about now would be AUDC (Asians University Debating Championship). Yes, international tournaments, *yumyum*.
And I don^t know how to squeeze it in my schedule for summer classes. Pecto told me that I could, perhaps, talk to the dean and tell him that he^d better excuse me from class because I^ll be representing the university (and the Philippines). Hrmm, that is assuming I^m getting through the very tough try-outs (and that I have that much influence to sway the dean^s conviction).

So much for ranting. And shall always be ranting.
More and more of it.
Just sickening.

Make Debate Matter: IIDC 5

2006-04-08T20:06:00.000+08:00

So let me start with the things I^ve gone through for this week (or more than, if I may so..) For the past weekdays I haven^t been posting, I was in the Inquirer Inter-collegiate Debating Championship (pic 1, left) with my TDC family. Yep, I found a new one.

Things are starting to look up for me. Although my dad still rants about my being in debate, he has simply no right to oppose about my only source of joy for the moment of not having school.

Saturday:
Adjudication exam (pic 2, right). Wasn't that hard, I actually found it fun to answer. There was a live sample debate with Joan and Grace as participants. Some were horrible, others were okay, and Thomasians rocked!
Yes, I am biased.

Monday:
My first day in the Philippine Debate Society. I chaired for the first round of the eliminations with UPD-C and Lyceum-A debating (pic 3, left). I got to meet a lot of people (both the best and the worst, mind you) of the petulant world of debate.

There were the Gods: Kuya Franco (UST^s very own world debate champion!), Bobby Benedicto (the pseudo-heterosexual of ADMU), Glenn (senior citizen of ADMU? Nah, just kiddin^.), Carl Ng (the guy with the nice stance from UPD) and Kuya Eric dela Cruz (former president of TDC).

The Dinosaurs: Ateneo people (^nuff said.. **Mavy kneels on the floor and cries for being so unworthy**)

The ^Im-so-good-I-end-up-sucking-even-more^: wouldn^t tell a soul.. (but primarily, these are the people who are both interestingly and alarmingly too confident even though their cases are made up of crap -- loads of it.)

The Lost Souls: hrmm.. mostly people from far away schools (and I mean that literally). They usually don^t know what they^re doing there in the first place. They talk for two minutes (that^s about a minute and fifty seconds of incomprehensible mumblings here and there) and go back to their seats.

The Showbees: Pat Evangelista, Kuya Joel from FACDEM (and I^m not cursing..), Nicolo Cabrera (the ever so OC-OC Tournament Director) and

The Beautiful: that^s TDC.

Tuesday:
Jaded and praying. (pic 4, center)
I chaired for two rounds and paneled for the other one.
Kuya Joel rocks as a chair adj.
The Lost Souls were pitiful.

Wednesday:
The wildest break night party of the century. Imagine seeing Nino dance (lol).
No more chairing for me. Also, I wasn^t able to break (some things are based on circumstances and not on scores) but I felt better when Kuya James gave me a hug and said, ^I heard a lot of good things about you. Keep it up!^

And Kuya Iggy: Ano, AUDC na, AUDC??

One thought in Mavy^s mind: Asians? Here I come!!!

Thursday:
Off to get my clearance and to go back to the unreal world. Bad schedule for summer classes. And a bigger thought, classes will destroy my chances to joining the Asians Universities Debating Championship.
So sweet.

Got home early. A lot of good things. Thank you, God.
My dad and my older sister are in good terms already after the year-long cold war between them both. Mischa, my niece, came over with my sister to spend the night with us and to go to the doctor the day after as well.

Sigh. I^m missing a lot these days.
But this is my life now.
Or death toll, as some would say.

No rest. Just home and debate.

Friday:
Induction of new CSJ Editors. I am now officially the new English Literary Section Editor of the College of Science Journal.
Kit, our EIC, was so kind to buy us food during the meeting. The yearend report was awesome. And the picture-taking, well, took quite a long time.

Ate Cy^s Team made it to the Finals (although they lost to ADMU A, it was an honorable defeat). Kevin^s team only made it till Octo^s.
Championship Dinner was fun, just because of TDC being there and the variety of programs the UP Debate Society came up with. Kevin and Kuya Mok-Mok won the Separated-at-Birth award and Kuya John won Miss Congeniality.. imagine that!

One of the runners-up for the ESU Public Speaking Competition had a brilliant speech during the intermission round. Here^s the gist of what he said:
Why is it that only a few people in the world understand how fun and how hard it is to debate? You hang around with your friends at school and they ask you if you won the competition, and you tell them you were only able to break. And they mock you for not winning the competition but they always fail to understand just how hard it is to atleast be in the Octo^s. And then you ask your mom for 1500 bucks and she goes on and say, ^Why do you insist on joining that competition when you never even win?^
It only says one thing, that debaters are not only the dumbest people on earth but also the most passionate ones.

Saturday:
Science Parliament meeting. Plans for SDS and Summer Training.
My first debate for summer.
And I was horrible as a second speaker.

Mavy^s conclusion: I^m born to be a whip!

'Cross the Threshold

2006-03-30T21:15:00.000+08:00

Alice came to a fork in the road...
"Which road do I take?^ she asked.
^Where do you want to go?^ responded the Cheshire cat.
^I don't know,^ Alice answered.
Then said the cat, ^It doesn't matter.^

This day, God opened more than a thousand windows. It was to say, in a thousand unspoken words, that a chance is given in replacement for a door he never opened for me.

I saw my grades for the 2nd semester of A.Y. 2005-2006. No failures. And I^m happy, atleast my dad won^t have to criticize my involvement in debate, and not blame all else.

I miss my mom, and that is fairly unusual for my perspective. I never had a good relationship with her, but for some reason, I^ve started to miss being with her. Now that I^m all grown up, -- and I mean that on a mental note -- I^m starting to realize how hard it was for her. Things always appear in a complete whiteout in our family, and she always had to go through a lot. Not that I care less about my dad. I also feel for him in some way.
The most difficult part of life is having no one but yourself. And I guess, my parents, my siblings and I, all have to live through that twinge of reality.

***
Blinded.
I even had to grapple the fact that I am never to acknowledge love. Although my words, my thoughts, my diseases surround its frailty, I am but an anonymity to its own being. So lately had I come to the stirring truth that a score shall always be that, and shall never renew itself.

Each overture of that sickness, I am now bound to take unequal understanding. If I fall hard -- with pointed rocks to seize me from below -- I always take four years to recover. Four years.
To recover misery, but never to cure my revolting blindness.

Now, I had to lift myself up, and derive beauty from inkless pens and scratched papers. That is where I began to dismantle the soreness that I thought would never evade my memory.

Delusional. Insane. Ardent to know nothing but to see through errors, and not live without them.
And with these, I fashioned my new self.

Never to grow up, but has lived ages of creativity.

Paper, Paper, Paper

2006-03-29T13:09:00.001+08:00

I am restless yesterday, and even more so today. I just had a couple of meetings last Sunday and Monday with the Thomasian Debaters^ Council as an official member of their organization.
So.. I lately realized how I greatly suck in adjudicating. I had to adjudicate three consecutive rounds of debate (for both days)-- that is me having to criticize people way better than me, and getting thrown with nasty looks saying, ^Oh, you just try..^ But that^s how it is, I am now to be an adj for the Inquirer Inter-collegiate Debate Championship (and that also means getting a good chance to try-out for a slot in Asians).

Problems are sprouting like leaves of mongo seeds intoxicated with Giberellic Acid. I need to find money to pay for the registration fee for IIDC, and more money to make me survive the upcoming days of training.
My dad^s being such a pain in the ass for not wanting me to pursue debate (he says Law is just for my guy cousins -- just how sexist can he get?). Anyhow, I still have training this afternoon at Kuya Iggy^s place, and I still don^t know where to get money to refrain from scavenging for food there. That is, me, not wanting to depend on others to pamper me all the time, just because I^m a new kid.

***
This heartfelt leap I surrender.
Arms raised tonight.

So, good news. I am now the new English Literary Section Editor for CSJ. I got a call from my EIC last night, and she told me the wonderful news while my mind was already half-asleep. She asked me if I wanted to take the offer, and I was like, ^Hrmm.. Do I have to think about that?.. Okay!^ (if you know where this line came from, I just love our compatibility!).
So, what to say, opportunities are passing by in a hurricane these days. I only have one problem..
Yes, that.

When Not to Say More

2006-03-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

Right on. I wonder why the sudden evolution of my former batchmates in high school.. God forbid. From autism to pretense. Still no change, just advancement to more pathetic and more pitiable lifestyles.
Advice: Just stop trying too hard.

***
Star City it is!
Peamy, Karla, Yen, Nikki, Andre, Gelo, Mae, Michael, Marra, Tim and I were desperate for a fresh start of summer vacation. And so we ended up spilling dirty water on our uniforms while spending the afternoon (and night) in Star City.
..and proud to Jologs!

Lesson learned, not to go to the Lion King boat-slash-trip-slash-storybook ride again. Aside from torturing yourselves to the excruciating attempt of lion mascots badly portraying Simba, you leave the place with a wet ass due to the ramshackle boat, which changes direction contrary to the waves of the river -- hrmm, imagine that!

But anyway, unfortunate night. Nikki, Andre and I were left with three tokens when everyone else in the group decided to go home. So we ended up having a stupid wager (my idea, indeed stupid): the three of us will each sing a song in the KTV room, and whoever gets the lowest score shall buy drinks for everyone. And so much for my very bad rendition of Whitney Houston^s I Wanna Dance with Somebody (although Andre was more terrible with his Paraiso bit, haha), I got the lowest score and was soon buying Gulaman for the two very lucky boys.
I should^ve just shouted all throughout the song. I could^ve had a good chance scoring a hundred then.

***
I love, love Urbandub. Better hear their new single.
First of Summer.
I marvel at the sound of rare virtuosity in Philippine music.

Railways and Edges

2006-03-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

Classmate: Musta test?
Me: Mwahaha, andali lang!
Classmate: O? Sabi nung iba ang hirap daw ah!
Me: Ganun?(napaisip) Kinabahan tuloy ako bigla..
Classmate: Bakit naman, akala ko nadalian ka..
Me: It only means.. either I answered the test correctly, or I made a guessing game out of it (thinks harder) kaya pala ako nadalian!
Classmate: (laughs) Well, that explains everything.

Oh no! But hell, I don^t think I guessed all the answers. Not in the lecture test.. okay, maybe a little in the lab. But I found it easy, really I did. And somehow, I think I^m confident with most of my answers. Wak, defense mechanism!
Moving on..

***
I downloaded a new software in my PC so I could download more MP3^s (and hopefully not as obsessively as my dad).
The pilot run was smacked with ten songs at once. Hekhek, prepare to crash.

***
I still haven^t studied for any of my two tests tomorrow, and I^m damn sure I^ll be getting a healthy karma for being so slothful this supposed study-for-your-next-exam-tomorrow-or-else night. Agh, I am wasted as hell!

So anyway, I was browsing through the Internet and came across this wonderful poem in Jeanette Winterson^s website. Title is Rough Guide by George Szirtes.

Your image destroys itself, remakes itself, and is never weary.

[Octavio Paz, The Prisoner.]

Impossible to look directly into

another^s eyes. Impossible to look

into your own. You read the dense book

of being like a document you flick through.

Eyes, even an inch apart, are blurs,

clouds, like the concept of yesterday

which has an entity you sometimes stray

into beyond the limits of his and hers,

The unknown: the roughest of the rough guides,

and all it says is: you^re here, you^d better make

the best of it. You entered by mistake

and so you^ll leave. It^s what the route map hides

and languages obscure, the magnetic pull

of all you ever see of the beautiful.

****
But I have seen the beautiful. I know

its contours and the rough guide it provides

is blissfully specific: the hand that rides

the ridge of the collarbone or moves along the brow,

the perfect form of momentary light

in this line or another. It^s what Blake

saw at the top of the stair, the terrible earthquake

at the root of the flesh we think of as delight.

It^s what you see when you shut your eyes and see,

the angel with the whip or a flaming sword

that burns your eyes down to the spinal cord,

the shit, blood, semen smell of mortality

you get used to because it follows you

everywhere and is both beautiful and true.

Sweetly rich in beauty. Now that's hands-on review for real Literature. (atleast Octavio Paz is included in our test tomorrow.. is he?)

Over Untamed Frustrations

2006-03-21T00:58:00.000+08:00

I am wasted over coffee and formulas of Analytical Chemistry. Gawd, now this is stark geekiness. Dang.
This day is not as productive as I hoped it would be. Blame it on the massive pigging out -- again. And so I should learn to hate food, which is like having to engage in mental conflicts with myself to stop gluttonizing over unnecessary viands. One is enough.

I studied for Chemistry for like ten minutes before typing this post -- and I^ve no idea how that^ll work for me tomorrow, hopefully prayers will.

My dad^s been obsessively downloading all episodes of America^s Next Top Model Season 5 (yes, my father, you read that right) and Grey Anatomy (a good series, something similar to E.R. -- with the paranoid doctors and all; he says it^ll serve as an inspiration for my vocation to be a doctor -- what the..??). Beat that?

So far, Sheer and I were able to pin up all posters for the Playwriting Competition and Debate Summer Training this afternoon. We didn^t have any formal proposal for the summer training, and yet Ma^am Beth signed the flyer (I hope the Dean won^t mind). Go loiter around the third floor and spot some of our ads (that^s forced appreciation on your part -- the ads ate up all our ink!).

I was watching Utada Hikaru^s Unplugged episode in MTV (taped live years back), and man, I felt my heart do a somersault. Her voice just floats, heavily, and drops like an anvil in between your sick ardor. Agh, and she killed me with that rendition of U2^s With or Without You (and that is me not telling you that it^s the hundred-and-uncountable time I^ve heard that song).
Mavy is currently frustrated for not being born with such splendid flair.

So anyway, if you haven^t a clue of what I^m talking about, view this.

Fancy, not.

2006-03-19T20:00:00.001+08:00

Another week of no post.
Mirage was released last Friday. Not really proud of my works there, I found them rhetorical in an uncanny way, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, the semblances bit didn^t come out as I wished it could^ve had. Hopefully Momentum will be better for me. (Although I do love the Elope poem.)
If you were able to grab a copy already, give me some concrit in the comments part of this post. Oh, and go read the editorial part. I am a fan of my EIC.

This past week, I was successfully able to pass two Chemistry laboratory quizzes with exemplary remarks. However, Im not that sure about the results of my Biology tests. More than hopefully, they^ll turn out well.
I was also able to do seven designs of posters for the new College of Science Debate and Drama Society (CSTP, reinvented), as well as the Debate Team^s letterhead.

Oh, and another thing, I watched Just Friends in pirated VCD today. The effort of the actors to portray teenybopper lovebirds was something I found, well, overdone with in the entertainment scene. Same old guy wanting to be more than friends with a girl (fails at the start, and unsurprisingly wins the girl in the end), and girl-next-door depicting a so-so lifestyle with overly enthusiastic folks.
And just think how Filipinos always copy this genre of filmography when they should be aiming for better ones, say, Vendetta (which my sister said was politically interesting).

Tomorrow will be the start of finals for some people (those who^re taking up Botany). Yet I^ll just be loitering around the hallways and searching for the teachers with whom I need to settle some of my acads with.
I hate the last part of semester.

A piece of luck: Study.
And if that^s not enough, study harder.

Surrealism, A Thing for

2006-03-13T22:19:00.000+08:00

Rain centered towards the afternoon sun today. Weird. Maybe flies are being wed.. Or so the superstition goes.

Test-taking got postponed again. Biology teachers love giving their students a head-spin. I haven^t loaded up my phone credits yet, just because I do not feel the need to. My blood calls for caffeine, not a textmate.
I^m thinking if I should start buying time to sleep. Ignoring the ironic presupposition that I will not be able to achieve rest even through hours of lying in bed; I^ll bargain all my jadedness for that.

The other day, one of my classmates got an unexpected answer for his, well, unexpected question. I tell you, life has the most bizarre quirks a mentally-retarded person could even envision in his mind. You get damaged at the safest place of your system, of your very -- maybe uncontrolled -- ground.
Unusual.

I lately acknowledged the reason for my photo fetish -- although not in an erotic way. I have this fixation on stillness and surrealism, things I rarely see (save for Deviant Art^s) emblazoned truthfully in faulty lenses of normal cameras owned by, yet again, normal people.

I am tired.

Raging Creations

2006-03-10T12:07:00.000+08:00

Just finished my email task for Technical Writing class. I realized I have a lot of work to do this weekend, so I need to start doing them one by one. I better start doing the Bio Powerpoint report after writing this.

So much for being OC (said twice, pronounced ok-ok by Kat and Nino). I made a debate statio for our team. *smiles at my OC-ness* The other day, I was watching AMV^s on YouTube. I miss YuYu Hakusho (-- is my favorite anime of all-time!). I was briefly fed with visions of Hiei, Kurama and their secret (not) Yaoi relationship.

I stayed up till 3am this morning, not due to the insomnia (which is now gradually fading), but because I slept from 4pm-9:30pm upon arriving home from school. And that is me not minding the fact that it was brownout then (meaning no air, no light, no decent siesta).
I surfed the net while eating barbequed chicken and java rice from Aristocrat^s and staining the keyboard orange until I felt like sleeping (or sinning sloth even more). I came across this striking poem by Stan Rice:

IN AN ARTIST^S EYE

By the time you are twelve your affections are fixed.
Then come the decades that roll your heart like a cheese
In the sea. Yes, it is surreal.
Then you are twelve again, and old.
And you find the waxed red ball of your heart on the shore.
And you are not surprised by anything now except
You should love at the end what you loved
At the beginning.

*envies the beauty*
Go read more of his poems at my Glitch page.

New Skin

2006-03-10T00:07:00.000+08:00

I told you I won^t sleep anymore.
But I did and I lied.

Our org logo rocks. Err, for the parliament division, that is. Take a look. Im a fan of Michael (The artist, whom I^ve been bickering endlessly to finish making the drawing, thank you very much. He really should be in another building. Oh, do take me with you!) Mavy -- frustrated artist.

So what the hell. The new format is so-so. The blogskin^s not compatible with the format of my previous posts (that explains the ^ in place of the apostrophe sign), but I love the techno look. I numbed my butt last night -- that is me, sitting in front of the PC for three straight hours and customizing my Blogger template. The outcome? Still a bit crappy, but good enough.

My caffeine intake is on an uphill these days. Maybe it has something to do with my recent lounging (that is quote-unquote, see, I can^t even do quote symbols on these things!) in the CSJ office. Our EIC is the number one coffee addict in the building; caffeine equals water.

I got a very good score in my Chemistry Lab quiz this morning. Thanks to Nikki^s patience, and constant squabbling, of course. I just need to pass two more, after which, I need not worry about failing the subject.

And so Im about to start another paragraph on how I miss training -- again. I bet people are starting to get bored at reading my entries because I rarely talk about more significant things, err, other than debate -- and myself, of course *grins*. But I do miss debating (see, here it comes), and, in a higher level of rustiness, Im bound to collect bewildered looks on the break of my next speech -- which, sadly, will be witnessed by no less than TDC members.
Lately, Im being haunted by the thought of taking Law after graduating from Biology. Quite a sky rocket off the center of the sky.
But I need to work. I need money. I need my own life.

Our supposed quizzes-taking (take note, quizzeS) got postponed last Wednesday. I should^ve just attended the awarding ceremony at the Med Audi. I could^ve gotten the chance to fluff my ego along with Kat and the other members of the Parliament. Sadly (not), I was already home, sleeping sound on my Mickey Mouse bed.
Anyhow, there^s still Biosoc on Friday. That is, if I get my invitation soon enough.

Sleepy, still.
Light transcends.

Affliction of Some Sort

2006-03-07T19:13:00.000+08:00

And I told him that pianos were made to know black keys, not to forever embrace white.

Just a New Description I made for my journal. I miss writing creatively.
Im writing like we don^t have two quizzes for our majors tomorrow morning.
Im not in the mood to study right now; my mind is in catharsis -- necessary purgation, please.

Due to utter boredom, I was able to finish reading two books last weekend, not to mention the new fanfics Kat had recommended through spam email.
Philippine publications, Catch a Falling Star (I forgot the author and am too sluggish to raise my butt from the chair and go find the book inside my room) and Eating Fire and Drinking Water (--again, authorless for now).
Im not really a fan of Philippine books, save for those written by Jessica Zafra and Jessica Hagedorn (this doesn^t even count because her books are published by international companies). If you love for-grade-school-book-reports type of stories, go read the first one. But if you^re the I-feel-intellectual-and-mature type, go grab the second book (I take it as part of the journalistic fiction genre, which of course doesn^t exist). Or vice-versa.

Yesterday, my EIC spilled me with some bad news. If not for this pending amendment in the CSSC constitution, I could^ve had a better chance of being next schoolyear^s English literary editor. The revision strictly states that a student may only be elected as officer for one organization. And even if the amendment^s yet to be approved, she thinks it fair that either way, she^d need someone who^d be more holistically dedicated in serving the journal. Although I feel I can do both jobs effectively, I didn^t want to pry myself too much for the position. But nonetheless, Im still distressed. More than being an officer in CSTP, I really wanted to be a section editor for the journal. But not that I regret having been inducted as CSTP^s secretary, I just feel it more in my heart to be a sec.ed., that^s all.
So much for having two different passions.

=(

Impeccable Talents, I must say...

2006-03-04T18:09:00.000+08:00

Finally. So much for last Thursday^s divine intervention and theatrical event. I mean, what the hell? Some people are in need of a beating. Hekhek. In Kat^s words, ^Your tears don^t move me.^ -- so better cut the crap and stop staging a declamation in front of us, because we are -- in no way -- impressed by your act.

I am frustrated for wasting tears for those useless morons. Nevertheless, they should be congratulated for they^ve successfully fumed me with rage. *Mavy -- gnashing her teeth.* Geesh. You should know that I absolutely despise people who backstab my friends (if you do have plans doing that, make sure I won^t have a way of knowing it). I don^t care if you have nothing to do with your life, but I^ll make sure to hunt you down even till both of us reach hell. In short, I^ll kill you.

Anyhow, the new Executive Board of the College of Science Theater and Parliament kicks ass. Not to mention, Im part of it. Harhar. But besides that supercilious remark, believe that to be true. We (mostly Parliament peeps, and Sheer) have lots in store for the coming year; most of which would be so beautifully executed, the others would surely rot in envy. We^re no good in power-tripping, but when responsibilities are given to us, we make sure they^re done impeccably. All hail Krista for that wonderful speech that left all of them flabbergasted and wordless.

***
So, Im back to pigging out.
We won in our Softball match with the 1-3 class today. They^re sour losers, and Im so proud for having irritated them so effectively (I even saw one of them look at me with such resentment after the game). To hell with bitter people -- that, of course, does not include me. Hekhek.

***
I need to start arranging the previous files of CSTP (so much for being a secretary, I should learn to love this job!). So far, I was only able to sort them into two envelopes: one^s for the letters, and the other one^s for the non-letters. See how good I am? *beams*
I also have to start making a website for our organization. I dunno which one^s better: a yahoogroup or a forum? I think the yg^s are better for file and photo-storing, whereas forums don^t have such designated sections -- although they have bigger web spaces.
I better start experimenting on those two. I still have more than two months before the official start of my term (or is it supposed to begin now? ;wak!).
By the way, I utterly detest the upcoming CSSC. May God have mercy on them. I could only pray for honest and accountable leadership, but Id understand if He'll have a hard time giving me that.

It^s hard to change people.
Ergo, better just leave them to rot in hell.

Setting a Sleepy Mind

2006-03-01T22:30:00.002+08:00

I hate reading H/D fanfics, most especially the good ones. I end up not being academically productive for that particular night. My only break is for me to write a new entry in this blog. Still, it^s about them.

Thanks to Kat, once again, for informing me that Amalin has changed her LJ site. Go click her name in the list at the right side of this page to view her new one. *_*

Some lines that just won^t leave me be:

^Because there^s a fine line between love and hate,^ his breath hitches as Harry mirrors his caresses, ^and I thought we might be able to blur it.^ -- Gracefulfool, Definitions
^It^s a promise. Every sunrise is a promise of a new day, and a confirmation that tomorrow has come, and will come again. Sunset is a betrayal.^ -- November Snow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow
^You will be my endless suicide,^ whispers Draco, and sleeps. -- Furiosity, A Glass Fairytale
^My smile...?^ ^So... so perfect. It makes me want to throw myself under a train.^ --Aja, Love Under Will

Okay, enough of the spamming.
After two days of constant storytelling in front of the main building^s security guards, I finally found my school I.D. Thank God!

We just finished our defense for CWTS a few hours ago. Boredom.

Greggy^s doing well. Turns out he^s a she. Oh well.
Still fits.

Plans for next year^s SDS are on the go. Can^t be more excited.
I really hope Asians will push through for May.
Im sick and in need of debate.
I was arguing while doing the defense awhile ago. See the aftermath?

Anyhow, my mind doesn^t really work coherently right now. I just wrote four poems for Mirage. I do hope the new ones get published. I seriously need more time for the journal now. I^ve not been performing that persistently as before -- it^s a self-evaluation.

Gawd. Sleepy now. I still have to wash my uniform. Better post this now.

Something Fishy

2006-02-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

What to say, everyone^s going ballistic because of the not-so-sudden turn of events. A commander was ousted, the Philippines is under the state of emergency, and our president^s out in the streets mingling with the “selected” poor as if nothing^s happened.

Anyhow, enough about politics.
Yesterday, Nino^s team bagged the trophy for the championship round of Dialectics ^06. Couldn^t be any prouder for him. ^_^ Pecto also won the 2nd overall best speaker title. Just enough for his constant ego-fluffing. Krista also did so well as one of the quarterfinalists of the Public Speaking Contest. Im so happy that Science is really leveling up with the other teams who joined the competition.
I^ll be missing debate a lot. That is, for the next few weeks.

I^ve finally decided. Im joining TDC by the end of this schoolyear.
TDC is absorbing both Science Teams A & B, as official members of their organization. Im floored for getting a lot of invites (especially one coming from Ate Cy -- TDC^s current trainer and this year^s Dialectics chief adjudicator).
Kat and Dennis will be joining as well.

***
I bought a new pet, a fighting fish I named Greggy. Go figure.
He^s for our lab experiment on Wednesday, however, I decided to buy him a home and keep him for good -- that is, if we^re not told to dissect him.

A seemingly abrupt shift to my academics is killing me.
The unconscious me is still arguing about uniform curriculums and terrorist organizations. Heh.

I just watched Munich a couple of hours ago. Another attempt of Steven Spielberg in the Oscar scene to remake the genre of his old movie Schindler^s List. I loved the goriness and the authenticity of the film. It^s beautiful, especially if you happen to understand the history behind the Israel-Palestine Conflict, the PLO, the Palestinian Authority, and a little of Hamas.
It^s an awesome flick to watch, especially if you^re matterloading. Sometimes, killing ain^t bad, most excusably if someone mocked you first. I was enduringly fascinated by bomb-making tactics, and Im sure you^ll have that same feeling once you see Eric Bana^s colleague making grenades in sync with televisions and bed mattresses. Makes you want to sleep inside the cabinet instead. Heehee.
But it^s a must see. And frankly, I loved it more than Brokeback Mountain – in an epic way, just the same. Ooh. (Although it did lack the character-centralizing that Ang Lee^s so good at -- Mavy worships.)

Go watch.

Monster World

2006-02-25T21:33:00.000+08:00

Whatever happened to nationalism? If Jose Rizal were alive, he would^ve frowned at the elite-not sight of each urban street nowadays.
No classes yesterday, not even this morning.
Politics in the Philippines is never great. I don^t know if the crab-mentality of Filipinos pays off sometimes, for we never really had a good president. That is, of course, not minding the fact we^ve had a democratic system for twenty years now. The blame should go to everyone.
The Hello, Garci scam is but a mere end of a pitchfork that barely touches what^s beneath the haystack. We vote them, we place them there. We never are contented, are we?
Even if we scratch off half of the cheated ballots, have we ever asked ourselves, what do we do to correct the mindset of the other half who really picked the wrong? What do we do afterwards; do we advocate another icon in the entertainment field?
Or do we even think of what to do next?

EDSA Revolution was born to take witness to nationalism, and not to chauvinism. It is but mere tradition, or worse, habit for people to immediately resort to ^People Power^ so as to grasp at a hasty solution, a change much deemed for than the development of our society. But imagine a yearly escapade of rallies in EDSA so as to celebrate the so-called democracy in this country.
History would simply turn meaningless if priceless holidays are turned into everyday events.
That is what you see in the streets today.
We always want a solution to each problem. That^s only normal. But what we lately realize is the evident possibility for some of these ^solutions^ to be problems themselves. We never pause to wait, to endure the occurrences that are happening. We easily forget that it was us who let them be, us who created them. In return for neglecting such sacrifice, we toil our lands each day without any direction, and still with no profound progress in neither our economy nor any other aspect of our nation, just the same.

I wouldn^t go all inspirational here. I only want to acknowledge the problem floating in the polluted air of the Philippines. Solutions? I honestly do not know any effective way to rid us of all the delusions, or point forward, to alleviate people from poverty.
I^d never start describing the characteristics of an idealistic venture and a utopian society, for I do not know what makes either one.

I roughly remember this certain line by Michelle Yeoh in the movie Memoirs of a Geisha, ^We^re not geishas because of our desires, we are geishas because we have no choice.^
Ermm, I guess same goes for being a Filipino. I know I am bad at parallelism and I acknowledge that pretty imperfection. Yet I guess that^s how we Filipinos are. We always want things our way -- bad president, get me a new one! We can even compete with children^s tantrums for new toy airplanes. Okay, enough of the analogies, Mavy.

But so we remain standing, yet still divided by countless desires. If only perfection is easily attained -- if it does exist. After all, we never really stop thinking about our personal wants, it^s innate in the Filipino nature.
A stress on my belief: Solutions will come for us, so long as we learn to bear with time and wait.

There^s still time. So be it.

Vendo Assassination

2006-02-23T22:34:00.000+08:00

I hate vending machines and how they malfunction at the wrong time, and at the wrong person. Imagine, having forty bucks left in your purse, and all you wanted was to awaken your mind with a ten-peso worth of caffeine. The supposed hi-tech food giver eats up your twenty bucks and in less than a minute, dawns you with two awful news:

No change.
No coffee.

Ergo, its laughter reverberates like ^a living thing^ inside your frustrated mind.
It^s official. Now, you only have a twenty-peso bill to suffice your necessities for the remaining days of the week.

***
I may not be that high-end in my academics, but I sure do know how to study well. If so just to give myself the bliss when it comes to working with extracurricular activities. Even though most, if not all, of the time I come home really late and with my eyelids half-covering my eyes, I still manage to make studying a dispute within myself.

If I can do it, I don^t see any reason why others cannot do that for themselves. Let alone the fact that I have more things at hand than any ordinary student. And I wouldn^t even have to stress that with an example, just my being irregular tells a whole lot about what I have in store for me each day, and even each night.

I guess we do have responsibilities, different ones, to attend to. Something we shouldn^t merely depend on others or for our peers to compensate with for us. After all, it is something you owe to yourself; straightforwardly said, something you should atleast try doing on your own.

***
What^s with Commerce debaters, or people, in general? It seems that most of my debate friends in Science are getting titillated at the sight of their parliament members – call it odd similarities between all of us.
Ermm, although Im still not that sure if I should be counted in on that.

I badly miss training. I feel my neurons corroding in their current stagnancy. I could only let Nino borrow my matter and watch him train for the quarters. I couldn^t even read some for my own fulfillment, for, of course, it^d only be so silly on my part.
I wouldn^t be debating on Sunday, anyhow.
(Atleast there^s food, though. And that is enough reason for me to be there.)

Sheepish and Content

2006-02-21T00:21:00.000+08:00

I was finally able to watch Brokeback Mountain last Friday night (and that was after the hilarious performances in Science Week^s variety show). It was a good flick. Wasn^t wasting a single cent from my pocket, or from Carrie^s, that is.

Why are you sleeping on your feet?
I wish I knew how to quit you…
Jack Twist was gay sugarcoat in the making. I just can’t help but love him.
When do you get the chance to be loved by someone so deeply, that even you can^t bear to find the means to unfree yourself from his embrace? I usually choke at cliches, and I never did like the concoction of sheep, sceneries and gay cowboys. But where did it lead me?
Brokeback Mountain. My feet in between the ashes and remains of Ennis and Jack^s memories.

Simply stated, a movie that tells you how identifying love is parallel to accepting the reality of your emotions. How love is never about mainstream sickness, but differences fathomed by the human heart.

***
I remember asking myself, is there a price to pay for wanting more than the ^should-be^?
Indeed, you can never have everything.
No one can.

The last two were, as clairvoyantly said, my last debates. And I doubt at the possibility of future consolations. Even jams are analogous to trash for me these days.
Im happy for having gone this far. For being invited to join TDC, for being part of Science Team A, for being trained as one hell of a whip! Im proud to carry the battle-cry of my college of which that says they, debaters or not, should definitely not argue with us.

God, will I miss the trainings. A month, or probably more, of no blood circulating in my system, no passion to satisfy my inconsistencies. *sigh*

Nikki, Nino, Krista, Allen, Kat, Em, Julius, Carrie, Den-Den, Pecto, Jhunnie, Stephen, Vinz. I could go on for ages if I^d try typing all your names. But just a promise here, we’ll see better debaters next year -- all of us besting each and every unbeliever of our capabilities.
*damn* There goes Dialectics, right past my foresight.

Here’s to unsweetened victory.

The Cow has a Barn

2006-02-16T23:45:00.000+08:00

I have two stupid questions: Is toothpaste edible? If it is, would you die eating a whole tube of it? Just some products of boredom.

Okay, so it’s nearing Sunday again. I better start pounding my head on the wall to make it function well in the last two debates. Atleast, I think they’d be my last. Team A had a pep talk last night, had to address some of the “issues”. Hopefully, the next matches would be effortlessly brushed off.
We need to win.

***
I’m watching Brokeback Mountain tomorrow, before or after training, with the CSTP guys (and girls). Talk about matter-loading for minority rights and sex education. *claps* I have to commend Heath Ledger in advance, for the awe-striking performance. Jake is such a loss for girls. Go figure. Oh, and Anne Hathaway seems pretty convincing with a sluttish personality.

I can’t decide whether I should start studying for my laboratory practical test tomorrow or Saturday night. Clearly, my brain cells won’t be functioning effectively then. Call it pre-Dialectics jitters.

***
Too bad I wasn’t able to pass the requirements for the National Writers’ Workshop last 15th. It intentionally slipped out of my mind. Maybe I was too busy with debate. After Dialectics, I seriously need a lot of catching up to do. From chemistry, to the journal, to the cookbook, to Dan Brown and finally to the flicks’ list. Someone put toothpicks in between my eyelids!
And I almost forgot the speech for the testimonial mass tomorrow. (yells frantically)

Happy Post-Valentine’s everyone. Be sure to make up for all the losses and to pat yourself on the back if you’ve achieved otherwise.

An Essay to Love

2006-02-14T23:00:00.000+08:00

[I've a weird way of writing. Bleh. Take it as it is. A price is given to one that understands.]

Sometimes I write against used tissue papers, the pen blotting the ink to form the insignia of your name. We’ve grown too old to listen to fairytale endings, yet too young to realize they don’t exist.
So where do I start an essay to love? – a love that is flourished in a passion that is long dead.

I am indifferent… ignorant to the syllables of that familiar call. I tell them I’ve never known you, not even if the moon eats your shadows to recoil. We’ve set up boundaries… distances of far away bridges that never really taught me what it is to forget you.
When I play with the cracks of parchment on black tint, I am reminded of your bluntness. Something that never gave me pure acknowledgment and willingness to be an apprentice to your truth.
Do we write messages on sand? The waves have wounded their right to blistering permanence; I told you that the sky was randomly vandalized ever since.
So which are you – the cluttered clouds on Sunday mornings, or the painted canopies of naked women? You never did make sense, didn’t you? You did.
So I start my worship to your inevitable greatness; one that sucks at my scarlet proof. I lay before this hour without ever undoing a mistake of forever blinding you.

This is my heart. A wretched bewilderment to my scatter, to my drug.
An essay to love defeat.

Splintering in Valentine’s Eve

2006-02-13T22:17:00.000+08:00

I get tired easily.
Just because your hands are attached in a way that laces farther than my anonymity. I think of how I’ve grown to revive a ridicule; a satiric verse that’s nothing but a tentative bunch of words to me.
Differences are hindrances. But I beg to clinch at their superb being. The irrationality makes me believe that there are more than just a thousand ways to build a road towards – below and above – who you are. Opposites attract, probably in physics, a course I loathe with all the damages in my brain. Now, where do I place myself?
To see you in the eyes of another’s is but the easiest manifestation. I am insane… and am rudely proud to be one.
But you are refined as glass. I took the breakage, a fracture insignificant to bitterness and passion. Somehow probing into the illusion that you are never here, although everything – including my mind – tells me otherwise.

The Beauty Criteria

2006-02-10T23:33:00.000+08:00

Two days and counting. Dialectics is shadowing my footsteps, as Sunday tension creeps on my back. Do I even have time for myself? – I haven’t got a word for that.

We won against TDC Open Team C yesterday. The motion had something to do with the Muhammad cartoon, which is currently causing riots in Islamic countries and Denmark. Ate Cyris adjudicated the debate.

Lately, I’m being so capricious on printing and collating my matter for debate.

***
Campaigning period for the College of Science Student Council has turned into a friendster-slash-icon-ng-agham phenomenon these past few days. I have to immediately apologize to Cory – in case you’re reading this post – because she’s part of the COMELEC; no offense. I’m just beginning to wonder if the essence of leadership’s been sucked up not only in our national government, but even in small councils in schools. I mean, for crying out loud, we’re not voting you based on a beauty criteria, but on your supposed wits. Apparently though… (not to be continued.)

Mind you, I'm not generalizing. On the contrary, I am voting a couple of them, although I hate exercising my right to suffrage. I've completely lost the acknoledgement of its significance.

***
I died for a second. There’s a legend to his eyes.
Something that kills me each time I gaze at its pertinence.

I’m happy that each day I’m able to get a glimpse of him. Even if they’re but mere glances from the corners of my eyes. Atleast he does the same.
I’m not happy how days unroll like sand from an hourglass. Gradually, I grasp – it just cannot be.
Please aid me; this is an aggression.

Pre-Valentine's Sickness

2006-02-08T23:49:00.000+08:00

A lot has happened in three of days of not writing in this blog.

Good news and bad news of Niño. Got a bit rusty for not training in debate. Luckily though, I was able to hang on by a thread just a couple of hours ago.
I got my prelim grade for Bio102Lab. Praise God for the passing mark.
Lately, I’ve not been performing quite well for my chemistry lecture class.
Change of speaker roles for Em, Nikki, Krista and Allen.
Missed, or should I say cut, some classes.
Science week preparations: the class shirt, a one-minute speech for Social Science, an usherette for CSJ.
Back to gluttony.
Finished writing for both Momentum and Mirage – now onto Momentong.
I still can’t find my missing uniform.
Vinz.

***
Apparently, – Kat’s word – I do not know if I should entertain the feeling or not. I mean, damn, there goes the shooting star right above my head. And it’s only up to me if I should acknowledge it to be the thing that it is to supposedly be – or what-have-you!

Blame it on stark serendipity! I mean, come on! What are the chances of him leaving his notebook right under your runny nose; of him meeting you the moment you arrive school the following day; of him also being trained and teamed up with Niño; of seeing him, yet again, in the hallways of your college building; and of him remembering your name, plus, the way it spells?

I hate it how he’s in his fourth year, and I’d only be joining in TDC once he graduates. I know, I know. I’ve always wanted to find a guy who’s into debate and who’s also in another college. But c’mon, can I even pull a stunt here? He’s way too gorgeous. And I can’t even make a logical flow on this paragraph because of him. I don’t know whether I should hate Niño for giving him my number or not. Besides, he speaks really sweetly. And man, those eyes… Sheesh.
The sky is falling, someone call Chicken Little.
Didn’t I warn you this’d mostly consist of illogical sentences?

Alright, I never really demanded that I get a Valentine just because the season’s playing right at every corner of each street. I am still contented with my life with or without him. Only though, I am starting to think about him more often than I should. Grrr.
Blame it on him having to adjudicate us yesterday; of him texting me Ingat!Ü; of him flashing that death-defying stare; of him and Cupid ganging up on me; and of him making me create a run-on sentence again. Grrr.

I can never be any more incoherent about such insanity.
Let me just leave it as it is.

For those who might know the cure for this illness, contact me here.

Miasma

2006-02-05T12:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes blogging is not all about your daily experiences in life, but writing what you actually see and what is really happening in the world…

Many of us were deeply alarmed when a news broke out around 11am yesterday of the Wowowee stampede at the Ultra. Text messages perfected chain letters and chit-chat’s moved about with such dismay for the ABS-CBN Management.
As of 11:50 this morning, 74 people were counted dead and nearly 400 people injured in the unforeseen tragedy.
Grievances were simultaneously delivered, losses were simply innumerable.

A profound analysis would tell you how such an incident illustrates the desperation of Filipino people in such a rare chance to win, perhaps, the only thing that can make their families survive in such a trivial time. Hopes of winning a small fortune out of a hundred-thousand who were there, and fighting for a seat at the probability of changing their life were the only things these people could cling to considering our status quo.
Thousands of people, not even much of avid fans, flocking from different provinces and impoverished urban states – did we even think of helping them?

Now, grief isn’t really the feeling that dominates our hearts, but a certain guilt of which we call “pity” for never essentially caring for such things. The failure lies not only with the people who were vested with such authority in that particular event, but with the people – I as well – who never really paused for a time to mind, to be concerned.
I once loved the idea of diaspora and how I can earn lots of the greens if I do get the chance to work abroad, moreover, if it’d only mean not staying in such a deplorable state. But see where we take off? It only tells us of the mindset of many, of how we never really understood of huwag mong kalimutan ang iyong pinanggalingan. I affectionately remember how Dante’s Inferno would punish such “sinfuls” as letting them walk with their heads turned back.
We look at misfortune, but is it enough to merely see?

I feel for the losses, but honestly, I do not know how else to make things better. Even from a scratched work. But taking it as such, I see a haze in the path the Philippines has chosen to take.

There are occurrences that should serve as an imperative lesson to all.
Let this be one.

Say Anecdote

2006-02-02T11:04:00.000+08:00

I'm in the library... I need sleep, and apparently, I don't see any beds around here to rake me into heaven. I can't sleep on wooden tables. Besides, the chair's making my butt feel numb. Must be with the chilly atmosphere. People are not really that quiet in here; they're here to sleep.

I'm still easily irritated these wee hours. I guess the PMS is slowly sinking in my hormones. Heh. Well, what the hell, it is quite a contradiction that I never did experience any PMS know-how's ever since I started menstruating at 11 years old! Okay, forgive me for my bluntness. I need caffeine, lots of it.

I realized Valentine's starting to show signs of his coming. Much like Advent really. People are so into giving rose bouquets and heart pillows, which unknowingly make some people sick -- make me feel sick. And please, don't even think that I'm insecure of not getting any because I need not reassure my possessions, thank you very much.
But enough of the bitchiness. Worry not for I'd still be posting a special on that trivial holiday. I feel the need to, just because I love writing the ironies of such feelings. You all know what I mean.
Speaking of such, did you know that St. Valentine was actually a priest who secretly wedded young couples during the olden times? And then we ask ourselves, what would a priest know of love between a man and a woman?

***
When people slyly hate you, do they unintentionally copy the way you look? Just a thought.
I believe I'd never even think of doing that. Pity.

For Crying Out Loud

2006-02-01T21:51:00.000+08:00

Go eat the keyboard!

I’m under time pressure as my sister needs to use the computer in about five minutes from now. I badly need my old allowance rate back, plus I’m having a hard time budgeting my money for food – not that I eat regularly these days though.

I was a bit pissed off early this morning due to a particular reason, ermm, I’d rather not mention. One word: Sloth! Sheesh, I’m working my ass off and all you had to do is play like a schizo with a whining mouth! Let’s superficially recall the essence of common sense and obligations here.

***
I got a sheepish 77 for my prelim grade in my Analytical Chemistry lecture class. I’m fine with it, but I know I could’ve done better. So maybe I’ll just try to concentrate on my schedules more. I’m even starting to feel pressure on extracurricular shenanigans thrown into my hands.
But I’m enjoying being a workaholic. I get to take my mind off things that are essentially not worth any of my time. Say, crappy people?

***
Okay, okay I’m getting off the computer now. No need to get all irksome!

Technically Speaking...

2006-01-31T21:00:00.000+08:00

We lost over AB at my first ever Crossfire match. Sad how we never even made it to the next round, or atleast win one debate. Anyhow, I say it was a good debate, considering the fact that the debates before ours were filled with unconscious ramblings and illogical arguments. Pecto and I already wanted to step up and grab the mic. Say, “On relevance…”

It was a very good debate. The best yet, for me. Although we lost, we were able to satisfy Kuya Rigor’s (one of the adjudicators, who, by the way, is the trainer of Dialectikos, Pay-High debate organization) demands of an uplifting debate for the sake of the very “painful” one prior to ours. I almost made it to Best Speaker – undermining that I made a complete mess out of my speech – but I lost to Al, AB’s first speaker, to one vote. Nonetheless, he deserves it, and just the thought of being a part of that round is a privilege as it is.

Tomorrow, I’ll be training the whips – both Kat and Carissa. Niño told me to do so. I really don’t know how to start teaching them. I’m still not that good myself; I’m so far from being that.

***
Just got some of my preliminary exams back. Oh man! Screw Chem300Lab! And I mean that with every inch of my fingernails! Damn… Just read through the lines.
Atleast I got a perfect score in the Technical Writing exam! Still…

Again, I am yet to drown myself in studying for a specific subject. It’s a clear déjà vu of last semester’s finals. Remember Calculus?
Please stop haunting me with Chemistry; it’s pretty working!

***
Four new poems for Momentum’s next issue. Especially loved Of Dragonflies and Collisions. Familiar, huh?

Clash of the Day

2006-01-28T21:56:00.000+08:00

Another crosstraining. With AB this time – another set of new “friends”. The one yesterday was cancelled due to weather conditions and faulty excuses.
They’re good – I mean the AB debaters. We lost by a margin of .25, all because of a point I didn’t hear and the “clash of the day” that came too late.
Nevertheless, the pressure weighs on as we approach the real debate.
It’s rescheduled to Monday… Much earlier than expected. Please pray for us! Do be supportive friends. *begs*

The Debate Team’s shirts are already made. They’re perfect, just because the black color bites for my bias.

Oh, and Livre2 Concert was postponed (due to the weather, yet again). I think it’ll be moved to first Friday of next month. See you then.
I demand for better bands! But don’t take away Join the Club, PNE and Sugarfree. Hehe.

***
I finished writing my prose for the next Momentum issue. The title’s Envisage. It’s about schizophrenia and a bit of tainted love. I had fun writing it. Mavy’s hoping it gets published.
I’m still down to more poems and two prose. Help me on these. My mind’s cracking, for all the words are fluttered in debate.

Here’s a teaser:

I figured you were real. Perhaps as real as those colors I once wanted to own. As true as the divisions in those blank silhouettes I’ve once savored with all my worthlessness.
You are envisage, I wrote.
And perhaps I am unreal.

Mavy’s proud of herself and is sick of her condescension. Heh.

***
I find that I write about death a lot, yet I lately realized the importance of such. For you to acknowledge that life is beautiful, you have to probe into the opposite of it. Same goes for you loving day once you recognize the gloominess of the dark night.
But death is not really an end, nor a beginning. It is the middle of everything, although the choice for you to go back or not is out of your command. Even so, I believe you have the freewill to remain and wait.
Once someone you love dies, do not think of it as a form of departure. Instead, make of it an opportunity for someone to wait for you so that you’d be reunited again – perhaps even redo the mistakes you made – and an option for you to love each other more.

Death is sudden. Life is tentative. Love is infinite.
Choose where you stand.
And you'd need not worry.

Ruthlessly Beautiful

2006-01-26T23:05:00.000+08:00

Sweet… I just publicly proclaimed my failure in my Chem300Lab preliminary exam. What a way to end the prelims week. After six tests of untainted conviction, the seventh just gave me a punch right on the bridge of my nose. Crap.

Yet I have to take un-glory for the unexcused ignorance, because I never really pulled a muscle in preparing for the test. Not even a flinch.

***
Got uneventfully stranded in MiniStop hours ago. Rain poured. Carelessly, ruthlessly.
It reminded me of a lot of things. Rain’s somewhat my aftershock – of all things that rule the dusts left unwept.

I arrived home, a bit sickly and downhearted over the day’s end. I’m plotting for a good offset for the finals.
After a minute or two of pacing around the room (and finishing half of the Prima buttered toasts inside my bag), I decided to watch the Azumi movies (2 parts on DVD) I bought weeks back. I was a bed-potato for four hours straight, beat that!
Nonetheless, no regrets here. The first one was a kick-ass film! The story revolves around the life of an assassin; of bitter times that can be considered pieces of fate.
Personally, it’s one of my favorite action flicks and/or movies, in general, to date. It beated Matrix and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon… and I’m not kidding.
Although Oguri (my actor of choice; just because I love his looks and stance) died quite soon, even before things started firing up. I loved it. No less.

I was particularly left awestruck when the assassins had to kill their own “comrades” to be able to pass their last test and pursue the real mission – to kill the three great warlords. Damn, the concept was beautiful. And that of course is a critique not based on bias – of me liking Oguri or adoring brutality and bloodiness – but on reasonable standards and qualities. ‘Cause you have to know I didn’t quite like the second one. And considering the juicy fact that Oguri was there all throughout the movie’s on-play, you just have to deal with it.
Anyhow, I dare say you’re missing a quarter of your lifespan if you don’t watch it. Oguri’s character name is Nachi, by the way – for legitimacy purposes. *grins*

***
I’m back to training for debate tomorrow afternoon. I’m pressuring myself to work harder as our contenders for the first crossfire match-up all have their own credentials and titles to divinely engrave their names in marble.
I really need your prayers. I’m on the brink of begging you for them, because they’re badly needed. I know how I can be pathetic sometimes but please bear with my idiosyncrasies.

***
The Prima bag has gone empty! Now who stole the cookie from the cookie bag? Ermm... toast, rather.

Deviances of the Pseudo-Intellectual

2006-01-25T22:30:00.000+08:00

I regret not reviewing my Analytical Chemistry Laboratory manual before taking my last two quizzes for the same course. All the answers to the mind-boggling questions (for me, that is) were there. Smack at my face! Sheesh…

***
I think my dad and I are pretty okay now, only he’s still acting a bit chilly. Anyhow, I just take it indifferently and talk with him – perchance – as if nothing happened.

I’m slowly recovering from my sleeping disorder, conversely though, I’m starting to have a new health problem. My system barely welcomes food intake. And I know I should be happy about that for dietary purposes, however I’m not that vain about my figure to actually feel blissful about it.
I care more about eating a lot than concentrating on my vital statistics.

***
A few corrections and/or notices:

It’s not Imago who’ll be performing in the Livre concert, but Mojofly.
First Crossfire match for Science is on February 1, 2006 (Wednesday), 1-3pm. It’s taped as live; I’m not really sure what that means so just go check your respective college TVs around those hours – that is, if you want to see me make a mess out of my speech. Oh, and please don’t forget to pray for us; we’d be going against AB.
Dialectics eliminations are on February 5, 2006 (Sunday). Still don’t know what time though. I’ll keep you guys posted.
The new links at the bottom right of my page are of the Deviant Art website. Go check them out. They’re fab! The pictures posted with this entry are from that site. Gotta love the pics! I can almost see myself in them! No contradictions please! Hehe...

***
I received my first ever comment/critique in Deviant Art Website. It’s for the Beloved, Formless poem, which I think I posted a month back. Just go look for it in my archives (Specters of the Writer). Here’s what’s said in the comment:

Deviant: ~FeyCreature (#214503293) Date: Jan 24, 2006, 1:19:00 PM
Cool. I love the line "Afloat on the same past tenses" and I'm not sure why. The whole thing is very thoughtful, deep I guess (although that always sounds so trite nowadays *sigh*) Nice job

Go check my gallery of deviations here.

***
It’s my last prelims day tomorrow. Wish me luck. So far, not one test has given me a headache. Or should I attach a yet preposition to that?
Nah.

Can’t wait to start training again. I’m all rusty. Heh.
Sleep everyone. Be grateful you can.

Crowned Ego

2006-01-24T20:33:00.000+08:00

I had to erase my post last January 21. It’s not a good product of anger really. I need not expound on that matter. The gravity goes six feet under.

My dad’s still cold to me. He acts like he’s twelve. Jeez. Where’s maturity when my father needs it? I’d better ask the dog for more sensible conversation.

***
I finished watching First Love of a Royal Prince, a TV series I somewhat flicked on marathon for the last couple of days. Although everyone’s whining for the “other guy” to amiably end up with the lead girl, I’d say everything ended up just right. The lead actor is also the guy in My Sassy Girl. Although he’s not that drop-dead gorgeous, he’s one of my favorite Korean artists to date.
Where to nitpick – lemme borrow this word from Kat – hrmm… I’d say my eyes welled out tears when Gun-hee let Yu-bin go.

"Just the fact that you're saying sorry, I'm already finding all means to let you go. Your apologizing simply means I have a bit of space in your heart. I'm happy, for all the while I thought I had none." --> Gun-hee

Sigh… And now I’m dreaming to go to Tahiti.

***
Our dog, Bullet, is now in good condition. Although he’s still ranting about his small “crib”, that’s the best I can do for him. Chicco and EJ scared me saying he’s showing signs of looming death. My grandfather, however, is not doing quite well.

I regret not being able to go to Cla's debut party. My apologies, Cla.

***
If only by a snap of a finger I can make things fine and working as they were once. However, my dad is a clear contradiction to that simple wish.

I’d better start writing my entries for the next journal issue, lest I deem to welcome procrastination in my schedule. There’s going to be a concert on the 27th in school (Grandstand Field), by the way. It’ll start around 7pm. Playlist includes Join the Club, Sugarfree, Parokya ni Edgar, Imago and Brownman Revival. The others, I can’t recall. Admission’s free, so just crash in if you want. I'd be enjoing the show by myself as my blockmates would be leaving for their Ilocos field trip only a few hours onstart. Nevertheless, hope I'd bump into some of you.

[Takes in a deep breath.]

Embraced

2006-01-22T20:41:00.000+08:00

I wanted to think that this is just one of those ordinary days, yet I’m desperately haunted by my responsibilities as a daughter. One thing I hate about Filipino culture, is how we have to concede to every bit of thought our parents deem best or right. Liberalism wouldn’t hurt sometimes.
Due to too much ire last night, I came up with a bad entry in my blog. But I wouldn’t want to edit that. It should remind me never to write with too much fury again.
Of course angst would be way different than that.

***
These are the nights when I am preoccupied by thoughts of what-to-be’s. Droll how I’m currently in the last days of my second year in college, and still I have no idea where I’m heading.
Medicine? *shrugs*

At some point, I find writing here as my only escape, my only flight from unwanted quandaries that never fail to serve as bloodsuckers to my veins of journalism and contentment. The two worlds in a toggle case.

I leave precipitates of what-if’s and if-only’s, and not using the best of myself to improve all that I hold in fleeting air.
I envy. And though it may be a mortal sin, I am swollen with pride for committing it.
Julius, one of my fellow debaters in CSTP, is taking up law once he graduates from Biology this schoolyear. And where does that leave me? – jealous of him breathing the freedom to choose.
For more than evidently, I am not entitled to that. And even if I gang up with people to revolutionize for that yearning, it would do me no good. Just picture what happened last night when my dad told me that as a daughter, I have no inkling of a right to be heard. In his words, he wouldn’t give a damn even if I did.
Again I ask, where does that leave me?

***
After such a long time, I found myself praying reverently, intently to Him. Once again at a time when I’m helpless and vulnerable. It’s ridiculous thinking that I am back to the norms of people going to church to beg for this and that. But I had to.
I needed direction. More than anything.

See how worthlessness comes to people who are showered with bad luck? Hrmm… or maybe not. Maybe such are intended to happen for me to learn and for me to know that I am more than strong for this. Chicken feed, as what local radio stations would say.
It’s cheesy, but take it as it is.

And as for someone who never wanted anything more than to get her feelings returned, I say I still do not put the blame on Him.
I am saved in every way possible. And not because I know that he’s always there, but because of the trust that I have for all that he has to give.

Do not merely believe, but have faith.
And everything will fall into place.

Chewing Up

2006-01-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

I’ve been studying for three hours now, and I’m not enjoying any bit of it. I just screwed up in my Bio102 Lab practical exam early this morning. If only my persecution to reviewing lecture lessons would pay off for the same class as well.
Princess November is epitomized in my daily rummaging for the must-have sleep.
I’m starting to wonder if life pays you off tardiness for you to realize that studying only causes you that and nothing more.

***
I’ve finished writing my poem for the journal. I’m not yet sure though to which monthly publication I’d be including it. Something about city walks, Ebisu and forgetting. The style is a rip-off of both Amalin’s and Jeanette Winterson’s, added to that a touch of my overdone sickness. It’s only right to state your “inspirations” and not be barbed for owning a style or work that is not yours. Read over.

I’m still envisaging my Tagalog prose. Surprisingly, I am famished for words of a language that is supposedly inherent in my being. I have but thin and trivial lexis circling my underprivileged wits.

***
I have to get back to my notes before another red mark is added to my prolonging list. But before that,

My greetings to Juanito Alamar III. To our much-loved debate trainer, Niño, a Happy Birthday to you! May God fulfill the best of your wishes, and bless you with a thriving year that’d make you even more successful and happier.

Much love from the CSTP!

Response to Onomatopoeia

2006-01-16T01:26:00.000+08:00

Love is beyond superstition.
I find it hard to write that down.

The way I see it, everyone’s inking parchments of devotion and anguish. I, on the other hand, delve on success and optimism. Something that deviates my being a pessimist, yet madly creates every disparity I have from them. They who liquidate imagery and vandalize its essence from those who breathe each and every word of its figures.

Stark consciousness caused me to realize that I shall always be as forlorn. That has long been my life. So long, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and I can even rebuild the same roof of any house. That is why I’ve traced my own style of writing prose and poetry, not lifting letters from any other text. Just now, another criminal was added to my list.

Sentimentality never pays a price. Beauty does not come from language. Language comes from beauty, and that is what you need to understand. It’s not about flowers and butterflies flittering within your lines. Not even about the shape and artistry of the human heart. It’s about living through the darkness and playing with shadows to croon the very pain. Because, in truth, it was never about love.
The wounds make you write. The scars make you live in search of a method to erase their permanence.

You use imagery in force of “effortlessly” provoking readers of false love. That I tell you is heinous and unforgivable.
The battlefields are drawn from those presumed tactlessness and deviances, that I derive pity from those who’ve been blinded. I can almost fearlessly predict that soon they’d color you with recognition, a grasp of your true being that is thickened by morass.
Not do I write a piece in steep spearing of your work. I write this, because I too am a sinner. I too can see the faulty recesses of your mind. I too have my own breakages.
Only I know how to pick up the shards even with blood on my hands.
I know where to be, and who I really am.

So what brings you here, reading these words that you’ve began to misjudge, or worse, loathe? There’s no canopy, there’s no appraisal.
There are only lies waiting to be heaved by your subsistence.

Just Because

2006-01-15T10:26:00.000+08:00

Finally… Some siesta!

I’ve been missing a lot of my Chemistry classes due to Crossfire demands and both that and Dialectics trainings. Those, of course, include both the lecture and the laboratory sessions.
I need a lot of catching up to do this week.

***
Kat, once again, got me hooked into this web comic, it’s also included in my links at the lower right portion of this page. The comic relief is very much refreshing. My character of choice is Perrault. And considering the aspect of me hating cats, he simply has a marvelous disposition at that.

If you love wittily humored fics with a hint of anime-ish sketching, this sure is an excellent find.

***
Crosstraining with Nursing got cancelled yesterday. However, we still had one with Commerce (added to that some smoke sessions with Franz).
We won.
Oh, and Phyleep was also there to do his Iron Man feat.

***
This week, I’m choking myself up to study harder. Prelims are on its way, and I wouldn’t want my dad to be getting on with his “internal strife” if I failed some.
By the by, a big congratulation to Pao for ranking 3 in the Dean’s List. I’ve always envied your intelligence, and I need not explain why.

I need some time to write my next entries for the journal. I’m thinking of a good concept, still my mind keeps on leaving creases of blank forms, which perceptibly are doing me no good.
Where is insight when you need her most?

***
There’s a frigid end to your heart;
a diversion of some
unconceivable myth.

I wanted to derive hatred
from you…

As quickly as the placid rose
with thorns of molten derailment.
As playfully as the pinched radian
covering the spaces of you.

Yet I am undermined by your
watch. My
lungs buried. Down to your
very core.

Gaze burns. Talk wounds.

©Mavy 011506

Spaces

2006-01-12T23:21:00.000+08:00

I shape my lungs to need you.

This is what I will do for you, when you are unfamiliar and sharp, all elbows and broken record words in my arms. I will roll over and let you slide under the sheets beside me, mold my body to yours, memorize its contours, its shape. I am afraid to touch you. I am more afraid not to.
One question alone. Do you love me? They all filter here.

I put my hand on the beating point in your chest and asked you what was left. You said, "It's just muscle and blood." You touched me and I said, "You."

I never ask you why, you know. I don't look for explanations, excuses, anything more than one word. For this I dive, open my eyes to midnight water and the dark shapes of untruths, delving in the mud for a word your lips won't hold. Sometimes I cup my fingers over my heart. I would give it to you if you asked.

You never ask.

[Fissure by Amalin]
For plagiarism purposes, click this link to view Amalin's personal webpage. Every word is hers, from the start of this post to her name or the link, precisely.

***
The thing about me is my uncaring prerogative. The thing about him is that he’s too beautiful to behold.

My eyes feel tacky, if that’d be an appropriate word to describe its current state. They want to scream for their own life, because apparently, I’m not letting them get any rest. I’m burdened by my craving to be busy each minute, even if it means giving up my breaks for trainings. Maybe Pablo Neruda’s right about forgetting.
It takes too long.

***
Welcome to the Debate World, as Niño would say.

The TOMCAT talkshow for the Crossfire contingents was one hell of an extravaganza! I got to meet lots of people from different colleges, particularly those who’d be competing for Nursing. There’s Paolo Enrile, former UST Pay High debater (went to Regionals, winner of Crossfire two years back and excellently trained by Atty. Arlene Maneja); Phyleep, 2nd year Nursing (Ateneo Debate in his HS years, former TDC), and Tina, or was it Teena, who also competed for Dialectics and Crossfire the previous years.

The others, I don’t remember their names. My bad.
We will be debating with AB first; a change of plans, the former being Nursing.
Uh, and'll be crosstraining with Nursing on Saturday morning, and Commerce (again) in the afternoon of the same day.
Full force, huh?

Memorable “effects” during the talkshow:
1. Bad hosts with thick rims of cue cards.
2. Dead air. Pecto talks. Dead air. Niño talks. Dead air. Mavy talks. Now where the hell’s the Engineering team?
3. Pecto’s desire to be famous, and his bickering for me to do the same.
4. Niño’s butting in with "I have something to say..." while the host says, “Moving on…”
5. Phyleep’s bisexuality. He kisses your hand and starts prattling about how he loves you. Flirtatious, huh?
6. The “so gay” set design.
7. The schizo segment producer named Ivy, who, by the way, needs a lot of life organizing to do.
8. The smelly Zesto juice.
9. Knowing various debate traits: bitched-out, drug-high, for-the-grade, I-want-to-be-seen-on-TV, never-debater and Mavy’s very own “I’m bored, let’s go home and sleep?”

Hehe. What the devil?!

***
My sleeping disorder is getting worse by the minute.
I’ve been arriving home each night, past 10 p.m., and at the same time, scrambling to turn on the PC. I turn on the messenger and start my off-peak routine.
I don’t sleep. And even if I try to, I’m not successful enough. Sleep dawns on me in between 4-5 a.m. Or if I’m really lucky, I’m able to doze off at 3 a.m. – The very reason why I wasn’t able to attend my Chem300Lab Class today.
I’m at a loss, for heaven’s sake.

Please, let this not be a new crisis.

Lost in Lassitude

2006-01-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

Almost just got home from training and my eyes are slowly turning into sodden carpets. Not that I cry a lot, but due to lack of sleep.
Each day, I end up going home at past nine in the evening. Not that I’m complaining. I’m having lots of fun, honestly. Do I even have to tell you why?

I debate.

I log in the messenger with no one but myself to chat with. Everybody’s dozing off to Neverland, while I’m here typing down words of lethargy.
I feel like I have this unrequited need for sleep. I know it sounds idiotic, but forgive me, I’m a bit groggy right now.

***
I’m back to being whip, by the way. I’m still in the same team, only, Krista and I exchanged speaker roles. I feel pleased. I’m more passionate as a third speaker, in a devilish way of course.
But I still hail Krista’s take on the issue analysis bit.

Okay, enough about that.

***
I finally had the chance to print poems of Amalin and other poets in the Lost Generation. Without a doubt, I didn’t fritter away with ink, see their works are fabulous. Only, you hardly find people who appreciate those kinds of literature. Good thing most of the people in CSTP are mad about those imageries.

As promised, here’s one I can’t seem to get out of my mind lately. It’s by a poet whose pseudonym is givemehistory. Anyone who knows what camina conmigo means may freely disturb me at any time.

chemic

by lamplight I write letters to myself,
describing the feel of rough loving
splinters etched along my spine, or
lost umbrella spokes lining the insides
of my bones, flea-ridden heart creaking
at the memory of you two months ago,
cutting your tongue on the edge
of an envelope containing a love letter.

I learned the trick from you:
when you would run butterfly touches
over bulletholes, sighing as linen
grazed your eyelashes and murmuring
sobriquets into soft surfaces -
flannel / skin / green grass and
kissing the corpses of moths that
died from ink poisoning during the night.

camina conmigo, you whispered,
and smiled when I imitated those
fairest of elegies and fluttered,
shadowy paradoxical, into your light.
those cunning words lost themselves
in the creases of my elbows and
evaporated into the air I breathe,
and like a child underwater I can only
exhale, giving you away with each
syllable tossed to the paper, aflame;

saint, sinner, my very own undertaker:
(the moths churn steadily in the night,
beating their wings against the undried
ink that stain the tips of their freedom)
and I fall like a star into your grave.

See what I mean? Another one of those good shits, ain't it? Heehee.

***
I'll be having an interview with TOMCAT tomorrow, by the way. Ermm, something to do with the Crossfire competition. It's more of a talkshow actually.

Yikes. Show business!
Somebody kill me before I get exploited.
Haha. Nah. Kidding.
You just need to act timid at times to avoid too much blabbering.

Take it from my indifference.

Talking in my Sleep

2006-01-07T22:47:00.000+08:00

Gotta love cross-training. Hehe. We had one with Commerce Debate Team and TDC Open awhile ago. It was an erudition-experience. I get to adjudicate for the first time. Well, formally, that is.
Franz (former TDC debater, and a very, very good one at that) commended me for the job.

The seminar was well worth the wait. I got new points, as well as motions, to assess at home.
I’m at awe for debaters!

I have a new team, composed of Allen (as 1st), Krista (as 3rd), and I (as 2nd). I love being whip, but Pecto insists that I go constructive. Wish me luck, Dialectics will be on the 28th and 29th of January. My training as 2nd speaker would only be made through for barely a week. We won’t have trainings the week before prelims.
I’d still be doing whip for Crossfire though (around 1st week of February). Can’t be more excited. It is a big privilege to represent Science.
If all goes well for this semester’s competitions, I might tryout for TDC at the start of the next schoolyear. But surely, I won’t leave CSTP, not even the journal.

It’s one way to keep myself busy, and to rally round my mind not to wander off.

We won in Softball today, by the way.
This has to be my lucky day! (Unintentionally made a rhyme here. *smirks*)

***
I need to study hard on my Analytical Chemistry Laboratory lessons. I think I failed the last quiz. Just don’t want my academics to be handled carelessly just because of trainings.
Not that I’m slowly turning into a geek or a workaholic lately. I’m just beginning to devote myself to learning more.

Love only kills, anyhow.

***
If there’s anything I need right now, it’s sleep, and perchance, some time to study. That’d be all.
And for the nth time, I cannot be any more contented with my life than I already am now. Three cheers!

Kat’s an angel! *mwah to you* She’s sending me more of Amalin’s work through mail. Yipee. I’ll post the good ones in my blog, err, that is if they’d all fit here.

I haven’t been reading much lately. I mean literature, obviously. Textbooks won’t leave me be and die their natural death, for the simple reason that they’re non-living.
Nonetheless, I’d be cutting this post short because my eyes are screaming for respite. For idiots who can’t understand, I demand pillows and sheets!

Death Wishes

2006-01-06T10:36:00.000+08:00

We all have our own version of bad hair days… And sometimes, the hair isn’t the root of all evil.
Such a squirrel description.

***
How many specters and phantoms do you have?
I have plenty – just innumerable.

It’s a good thing I’m able to help other people, for the sake of doing something that Jess’d love and be happy about. Lately, I have dedicated most of my time to the journal and debate that I rarely have time for him. He knows keeping myself unwearied – moreover, long-suffering – is rare to my current daylight collection.

Yet I just fancy breakages nowadays.

***
Just had a “pious” conversation with a BS Psych friend.
Despite and inspite of my psychotic tendencies, those are but instinctive and normal after all.
The death wishes had their rational reasons, no matter how perverse they are. Heh.

I’m enlightened by those people who value my perplexity. You see, in a world where most things are liberal and unconventional, you can’t do much if you’re bashed. It’s part of our nature to do those after all.

I enjoy both my bafflement and indifference. I wonder what it’s like for you.
I seldom hear people actually savoring the sight of a blood-painted hand.
I, on the other hand, would adore its faulty shadows.

Words are my weapons, my guns; each letter, a bullet waiting to be shot and pronounced in unfilled air. That’s why I would never draw such closeness that would keep fires frozen and judgments mystified.
Look at me when you’re afraid… Don’t worry, we both are.

I’m mortified for having myself all drawn out in decks and sands. In lips and rains.
In golds and blacks.
Most of the time, it leaves me wondering where I had left my innocence and my empathy. They’re all swollen, if not eaten up by maggots. I really do not know how else to make people know and understand. Dammit.

So which sends you to fondle my anxieties and my aggressions?

Leave me be. Just do, but
Just always come back.

Bayside and Waterlogged

2006-01-04T23:13:00.000+08:00

She adored butterflies and rainbows. Only now she craves to lick blood out of dried tapestry.
A demigod. A singular incarnation of sleep.
When nightmares are all that make her dream…
Dream the fool’s metaphors and sonnets.
Dream in delusional locks.
Please don’t feign her sleep…
©Mavy 010406

***
Judy, Cla – I miss you both!

Hrmm… Unforeseenly, I’m not late for my first subject today. Yet, I had to suffer the effect of my early morning syndrome – forgetting my I.D.
I had to pretend like I was from some province and actually left my I.D. there during the Christmas break. The mediocre performance paid off. The security guard let me in the main building after a series of Q&A.

***
I’m currently fond of the Pinoy band Join the Club.
Think Nobela.

I delivered one of my blog entries in class awhile ago. In place of a reflection paper that I should not have idled upon the other night, I was forced to read the Yearender piece.
I had to do impromptu editing while reciting barely half of it. Pao said I didn’t do justice to my own work. Well, what the hell. Didn’t want to go all sappy there.

Which Band Should You Be In? by couplandesque
Your Name
Band Name	My Ruin
Role	Vocalist
Trademark	Unique Wardrobe
Love Interest	Yourself

Forrest Gump and 100 Ways to Cook a Rotten Egg

2006-01-03T22:29:00.000+08:00

Take me back to school, will ya’?

How can I not hate school if it’d mean waking up at 5:30 in the early morning every single day? I end up coming earlier than the sunrise, for crying out loud! Cent fearlessly predicts my being late on first day. I second the motion.

***
Well, well. My first post for the year. I’ve been reading a couple of blogs lately, and I envy their spectacular, brilliant designs. You all know how inept I am when it comes to formatting and shit. Well, cut me some slack, it is black – so me.

More and more people are starting to read my blog, and I really don’t know if I should react gaily, bashfully or hysterically. Special mention to the last three people who pinned their messages on my tagboard: Maja (I’m missing you a lot.), Mabel (I’m still wondering how you got into my blog. Nevertheless, I saw yours; great work!) and Mico (Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year… It’s been a long time. **smiles almost lifelessly**).
God, did it rain m’s there!

***
So everyone’s writing about their resolutions. I, on the other hand, honestly haven’t thought about one yet.
Well, this is a good start! *grins* Atleast, I’m in the precipice of realizing what I want to make out of my life.

Or maybe not.

***
My sister and I have been aficionadas lately for Kris Aquino’s Pasko na, Game KNB?. And being that she’s very much into culinary and the likes, we got into our own version of the 15-second-game enumerating 100 ways of how to cook an egg. I’m a sucker because I was only fluky enough to mention five.
But, no harm done. Kim (my sister) was only able to give four.
It was only after half an hour that we realized we’re disarraying the game’s mechanics because surely you won’t be able to enumerate all 100 answers in fifteen seconds. Not unless you can actually beat the fastest rapper on earth!

***
Happy New Year! – and I almost forgot that.
I have no wishes, nor hopes for this year, and I wouldn’t want to negate that with a but or an except.

By now, I think we should simmer down on the expectations and desires. Life is made up with spontaneity, and surely we wouldn’t want its existence to spoil our year.
So just take a deep breath and live life both seriously and not-so-seriously. Forrest Gump’s mother’s chocolates don’t have an expiration date. So be patient, and if there’s anything you’d better anticipate, that’d be His special blessings and His undying presence.

There’s a time for everything, contradictory to our parish priest’s saying that life is too short. If it didn’t come, don’t think of it as something not destined for you. Instead, let it be a memoir that’ll hark back far better and more beautiful things, beings, ahead.

Piece of my mind: GOD IS GOOD, ONLY IF YOU GIVE HIM ENOUGH REASON TO BE.

So enjoy 2006, and some words of advice (if you want luck, that is):
Be kind to dogs.

Yearender

2005-12-31T23:13:00.000+08:00

How do you end a year with a bang? Perfectly…

This may be one of the worst years God ever made. Yet I think twice to sink in regrets.

Exactly last year, I had my ear glued to my cellphone, paying attention to every utterance – utterance of which I never really thought would welter to its own conclusion. You can’t have everything. No matter how coveting you become.

This year, I lived too ambitiously. Needless to say, I left many people hanging… I left two people hanging. Because of that, I suffered a terrible loss, one that was unforeseen and life-taking in a frolicsome way.
It was only later that I realized I was breaking for the wrong heart, in the wrong hands. Indeed, it was too late.

Debate and Writing – two of my greatest passions. I obtained them both, and yet each day I wake up with a wet pillow and a hollow soul. Yearning for solitude that can never suffice for my real need. Yet in a trail which chooses career over somber matters, you have to live by rules and definitions.
And after four years of forgetting a lost love, I find myself back to square one. Once more, sheltering a cold and fearsome heart, and again, counting fact per fact.
Fact is, she has you. Reality is, you love her.
Truth is, I can’t forget you. (Just read through the lines.)

Burdens are indispensable, yet weightless just the same. I think of After Eden and how it was written without Arnold (the author) knowing me. When I watch fireworks light the sky, I still favor the starless, black-mantled lone, perhaps for as long as we’re underneath its sanctity.

Now, 2005 says goodbye. Atleast it does, because I still can’t word my farewell. Yet I turn my back to every spitback, to every indirect sting and to every unseen star. I hope that the year ahead, would be a chance for me to reunite with my high school barkada, for I honestly am missing them badly.
Another year for my Tensed sisters and I to look forward to more sleepovers, more get-together’s, and more food trips.
Another year for more debate tournaments and more journal(CSJ) published works.
Another year, welcoming nights with a Biology textbook on one hand and a cup of steaming caffeine on the other.
Another year with and without you.

So how do I bid 2005, a year of dramedy?
Nah.
Just join me in drinking this bottle of beer.

Woman in Chains

2005-12-30T17:34:00.000+08:00

It's under my skin but out of my hands
I'll tear it apart but I won't understand

[-Tears for Fears-]

80’s Music. Misunderstood. Subtle. Unchanging.

***
I’m a self-confessed ignoramus. I only found out late last night almost half of my high school barkada have their own blogs. Placed them in the Links, go check them out.

***
It’s hard to make people understand stuff you, yourself, couldn’t fully grasp. And it’s nerve-wracking to hear a hint of disdain from them for not doing so. They would not flip an inch of effort to actually feel your burden.
My head is spinning.

Yesterday, I finished two movies (Sky High and Just like Heaven), half of Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, and a can of Chunkee corned beef, all by myself. Am not a fan of African literature really. They make me want to sleep, which is the exact reason why I chose to read it at 10 o’clock last night – simultaneous with my using the messenger.

Sigh. Things do fall apart.

Just like Heaven is a feel-good movie. Made me think if lost souls could really, possibly fall in love with an innocent human being. Not to mention, with or without the existence of fate. Pfft. Personal comment: Gotta love the rooftop garden! Had that hint of Zen architecture in it.

Don’t make me talk about Sky High.
Just make sure you’ll have your younger siblings, nephews, nieces, or any toddler, for that matter, while watching the movie. Lest you want to bicker yourself for wasting time.

***
My dad just installed a new software in the PC – one that gives me the freedom to download more music, more movies, more of me.
Heh. He finally concedes to my unstoppable need.

***

When you're dead and one-dimensional, Harry has found, it is easier to walk away from things. Even if you're walking sideways.

[-Amalin-]

Of Dragonflies and Collisions

2005-12-29T20:25:00.000+08:00

There’s a prelude to silence, to depth and to misery. Although, I may be that, it has turned to be a sickness, eating my inner organs bit by bit, tissue by tissue.

***
Just got back from Debate Camp last night. Fun.
I learned, I improved.
Another instance that gave me the golden ticket back to memory lane.
Somehow, it felt nauseating.

***
We go back to places that can never be familiar to me, except on tiptoed streaks. We press open our warmth, our diseases that unite nothing.
I make it a point that we remain laid-back to archeries and rocks that light the incandescent flame, the impoverished glow. It breaches the treaties I never really kept, as my fingers were crossed. Crossed, till now, to memorize your edges… to trace back the empty chairs and winds.

This night we lift to playful symmetry. A bashed torrent leaving both of us unharmed, unscathed. If it would be the only way for you to seize reprisal for every fixation I left, then let the fracas be.

Dragonflies.

Collisions.

Let’s never grow up.

Never
Grow up.

Uchi's Day

2005-12-26T12:47:00.000+08:00

Its Uchi's Birthday. ^_^

All God's blessings... Regards to you and Mari...

=-"*"-=

I find that many of us are jaded over life's constant crash and burn. But yearly, there's Christmas -- a time to convince ourselves that there's still a pint of goodness left in our enraged systems.

My Christmas, on the other hand, is a time to think and reread regrets. Although these can never be changed, I find them essential to my wanting to relive certain days. Much like celebrating New Year in advance.

Surprisingly, I'm not missing school. I'm enjoying every bit of the Christmas vacation, only sometimes, I find myself bothered by two people. One who tirelessly bombards me every single hour (Give me a rest, will you??!), and one who never cease to make me remember the best and worst Christmas of my life.

Somehow, life is happy because of you... Happy Birthday Uchi... Peace and Love.

Last Christmas' Poetry

2005-12-24T23:32:00.000+08:00

what are gifts for, if not to wrap the ends of your trace
where boldly, we are lanscaped memories, where liquors
dance in both art and melody. this is why you unearth a
malaise developing in which roads are unforeseen.
taking the laps of an unalterable semblance crawling
its way back to your recapture, to your retentiveness.
this is where i stop believing that you existed for my
unsatisfied redemption, for you gash me intricately
through those words that soil my mind unendingly.
let me not palliate the tampered heart you once let me
carry, and so till the hopeless now. you revise those waters
and turned them to fiber, which unfalteringly, i cannot
live without.somehow i feel so untamed, in an unrest
that goes through nowhere and forebodes no one and
nothing. funny how my weakness finds peace in your
bloodiness, how my anguish adores your constant vexing,
how my sacrifice becomes impaired and flawed. all because
you made them to be that: to be your unruled imposition
made out of your own definition of love. maybe she lives
under the gazes of your dark brown pupils, and the pointed
ends of your long-back hair; still, it is but old and tiring for
me to think you'd relive a tarnished truth, a lie. so which
catches your mistletoe in each christmas i'm entitled
to another memory you've left in my soul's cupboard. so which
leaves me to be the being which i hated for so long.
and we wait once again as the leaves shed to form the
stars i never saw, the stars the waves never learned to
play with, to touch and to discover. so much for that ravage,
for which caused the reason why i could never hear, see
and walk again in that light, on that cobblestone of sticks
and bones, which still continue to cause me pain. now
i end this day, forgetting how i could ever evoke the perfection
which summons me just the same. perhaps this day is for him.
but oh, how i wish, just how i wish, i can borrow even just
a fracture of a second that belongs to its unselfish history.

**this is probably one of my personal faves in all the poems i've written... considering i only wrote it now while i'm scrambling to post something in my blog for Christmas eve...

[jeez... Christmas, and still, I think of him... Happy Birthday Jess!!! all my love.]

Hark the Emeralds!

2005-12-23T10:14:00.000+08:00

Here, in a bounty of words, where I can layer myself so thickly with disguises that I will not recognize my own two eyes, I will strip to the bone for you. I will pare away flesh and blood to make myself clean for you. This is as honest as I can be. Peel away the layers I have cloaked myself in and you will find this beating heart. I will crack open this world for you and pour it into three words. They have been said before. They are no new revelation. But they are not my mold; I am theirs.

-Amalin-

Inclined to sweet sweet literature, I find myself craving for words that can somehow fill my satiety, both for devotion and complexity. I have two days left to savor the predisposals of Christmas. Somehow, I find myself wanting more sleep.

I said I wish for lesser tears, but come on. It won't be as memorable and as striking without them. When I was in third year high school, I prevented myself from that supposed privilege of venting out all my afflictions; it made my soul rot in anguish. I wonder what made me live, considering she lacerated me even more.

There's a letter on the desktop that i dug out of a drawer the
last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war and i start
to feel a fever from the warm air through the screen you come
regular like seasons shadowing my dreams and the mississippi's
mighty but it starts in Minnesota at a place where you could walk
across with five steps down and i guess that's how you started like
a pinprick to my heart but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown and there's not enough room in this world for
my pain signals cross and love gets lost and time passed makes
it plain of all my demon spirits i need you the most i'm in love with
your ghost i'm in love with your ghost dark and dangerous like a
secret that gets whispered in a hush (don't tell a soul) when i wake
the things i dreamt about you last night make me blush
(don't tell a soul) when you kiss me like a lover then you sting me
like a viper i go follow to the river play your memory like the piper
and i feel it like a sickness how this love
is killing me but i'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly and
dance the edge of sanity i've never been this close in love with your
ghost ooooh: unknowing captor you'll never know how much you
pierce my spirit but i can't touch you can you hear it a cry to be free
or i'm forever under lock and key as you pass through me now i see
your face before me i would launch a thousand ships to bring your heart
back to my island as the sand beneath me slips as i burn up in your
presence and i know now how it feels to be weakened like Achilles
with you always at my heels and my bitter pill to swallow is the silence
that i keep that poisons me i can't swim free the river is too deep though
i'm baptized by your touch i am no worse at most in love with your ghost

That's my all-time favorite song: Ghost by Indigo Girls... Poetic justice. Still, unexcused.

Here and Now

2005-12-22T14:56:00.001+08:00

First the burner, and now the media player's ranting about its job... Damn. Now I can't watch episode 8 of HYD... Here's to boredom.

Queerly speaking, I love holding someone else's hand. Not that I'm a freak or something, but I love the way how fingers intertwine around that of another's... It makes me feel secured, giddy in an inexplicable way.

I went book shopping yesterday - although I didn't buy any; can't call them book window shopping, anyway - and I got hooked into reading this Philippine Publication entitled "Sin". It's a new book. Mavy forgot the author. Heh. For one, it is quite sinful for a read. Lots of erotic scenes. Especially one with a geisha... Kind of reminded me of Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha. It will be shown in the movies soon. Ditsi (semi-evil) has read this as well.

Kat Miranda, one of my fellow debaters in CSTP, got me addicted to some masochistic genre of poetry for the past two weeks now. Mind you, they're damn good!

Here's one:
[-1-]
Listen, I sold my dreams for you.
There is no bribing of the gods these days, no easy sacrifices;
his arrows were hot fire that ravaged my veins and broke through the sunrises
to leave me panting, dragon-breathed and dying,
never to love anyone but you.
He asked me if they were stolen, these dove-winged dreams
broken open, spilt against the pillow, red-veined and blue-blooded.
I assured him they were not.
He told me they were not enough for a fairytale;
imitations are cheap these days, the real thing priced like venetian glass.
I let him see the pain panted out like fire upon my tongue.
I let him taste the thought of your heartbeat and the brittleness of my own,
worn thin through pacing, a caged lioness' death row walk.
He promised me the best my dreams could buy.
How was I to know it would never be enough?

[-2-]
I invite you in under a sky of blood;
in past the tides of my breath and the paper-thin tissues of my skin,
peeling away like the rotting clouds so that you may nestle into the core of me,
the stinging wounds of a beating heart.
There you crouch until you unfurl, sphynx-like and searing,
flames licking into the glided chambers of my beating blood until I am broken
and bleed rivers of gold.
You never loved me, I say to you, and you leave me lying, burning,
the last wick of a dying flame.
You walk away with my heart like nectarine flesh in your hands, pulsing and hot.
I see you and my eyes swallow you whole before I burn away.

[-3-]
The remnants of you will cling to me
until I am scattered back to the birthplace of the gods and buried with my futile dreams
Every moment will taste like you, bitter and branding,
and in shop windows I will see your reflection,
I will hear your voice just before sleep smothers my lips,
I will catch the autumn gold of you out of the corner of my eye,
My life will be attuned to you, a static-filled picture stained with you,
and you will be the jagged edge on every piece of me.
In death, I think that Charon will have your eyes
and until I wade into the waves where neither of us exist,
I will burn for no one else.

That's not actually the whole thing, barely half of it. But ain't it good shit? Heehee. Gotta love poetry!
I do not know the author, by the way. The words ain't mine, they're borrowed. I think they're from some HP fanfic. Hope I guessed right.
To be able to read one, you have to go through crap in the Internet, as Kat and I would say. But patience is a virtue. See what it bore?
Kat's a blessing to my vehemence.

I can only dream that I can write poems as good as this. I cried over these texts, seemingly tearing your heart from the inside and piercing it with an unreadable tattoo. Yet, it is but sheer impalpability to one who has acknowledged the importance of pain to one that dares to love unconditionally. Its sadness burns your very core, while its remains lurk like provoking ashes from within.

I wonder what made them write with such torment.

Fade to Black

2005-12-21T10:46:00.000+08:00

The Black and White issue of Momentum just got released yesterday... Yipee! The crow prose got published... Although I only had three poems, Black Saturday prose was also published. Go ahead and read them... Heehee...

Here are some of the poems that weren't published (actually, they were already for layout yet I bickered our EIC to reviewing the crow prose instead): Shun is Uchi, by the way... Oh, and I'm not sure if some here will be published in Mirage... Anyhow, it won't hurt to read.

GOD WANTED YOU TO BE ME
Precious
Misled by your desires
Captured
Under your white fire

Intelligent
Yet lost by a mile
Sophisticated
Inexisting for a while

Unchanging
Like your colors with mine
Completed
In each taken time

THE CONDITION OF A HALF-HEARTED
The hand left itself hanging loose at
the edge of the coffeetable. Blood kept
on gushing out of those deep blade
cuts. Waters fall in perfect synchronization
with the rain outside the translucent
windows, pasted on the brick wall. Like
an invitation to an unknown world, where
death is the only key to eternal
happiness. Dust is withdrawn with a light
shake, making it wisp through the mixing
wind. Silence keeps it sane. Darkness
makes it alive. Hands are then held tight
like two lovers meeting in provoking
twilight. Eerie chanting, bellowed singing,
utter whispering.
So… this is how it feels.

DANCING IN THE DARK
temples down and bruised
where we make differences
unite under each mark
there plays my own defeat
my slumberless
my pitiless
calmness

tiptoes sharp and said
where we live malevolence
beneath each held breath
there sings my secret
my prayerless
my boundless
meekness

fingers locked and bold
where we dance eternity
frozen in each lifetime
there breaks my existence
my powerless
my meaningless
darkness

Being you Being
To be
a crime…
You need to be bold
resilient
passionate.
And so I was...
As different as
each spectacle
taking your every breath.

To be
your hurt…
I searched the wrong
the beautiful
the untold.
And so I did…
As difficult as
the lines
left on those soaked papers.

To be
the end…
I start all over again
again
again.
And so it was…
As perfect as
your eyes
unblinking in dryness.

Apathetic

2005-12-16T21:26:00.000+08:00

What the hell? And I actually thought I was doing a good job writing in this blog... Forget it.
I envy those who had one years back.

Okay. So life gets complicated once in a while. Yesterday, I forgot to mention that I horribly sucked in my Analytical Chemistry Lab test because I didn't even flich a finger to study for it the night before. Like I care... Biology classes are slowly turning me into whipcream after two days of undying quiz mortification.
Damn.

I missed two trainings this week, and not that I'm being assumptive (CSTP peeps' fave word), but Niño'll surely kill me tomorrow morning. See we had CWTS foundation/charity Xmas party last Tuesday, followed by a no-training-Wednesday, a semi-Christmas party yesternight and an eventful drinking-slash-sisig session just a few hours ago... Now tell me, can you blame me for missing all those trainings?
Yeah, well maybe you can.
Inuman is one of my eternal weaknesses. Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Just got addicted to some blog flicks... Addictus coming through...

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing.
That doesn't mean you don't rock out...
You just rock out with meaning.
For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.
You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts.
People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused.
But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

***

I don't think I'd be able to attend the Christmas party this Sunday. Reasons?

Bankruptcy (My dad decided to hand me my allowance on a daily basis.)
CWTS (Need I say more?)
Still don't have a gift.

Oh yeah, in line with those gift thingamajigs for Christmas, sadly I wasn't able to go to CSJ's Xmas party and to hand over my gift to Phoebe. I hope she won't hate me for giving it too late... Say Monday?

This is probably one of the "friendliest" Christmas of all time! I got lots of gifts from friends, and being the overly ecstatic Mavy that I already am, I opened them all and wore them the following day... Hekhek... Watch me spoil them. There are actually a few more coming sometime next week. Not that I'm expecting more... Or yeah, well maybe I am. So much for that.

Written on Mirrors

2005-12-15T21:29:00.000+08:00

It's official... As of today, I'm the only person in Mafia who lives by the single status... Ma and Pa are happily together, Glen's considerably taken, Riz has Pao, Karla's with Jai, EJ never runs out of girls, Bien's committed to Amor... And as of 9:09pm just this night, another one just left me hanging...
Not that I'm scrambling to get a love life in a snap to go with the flow... Like what Jake said a few hours ago, sometimes things just don't work out well for everyone... And I'm not talking about luck here, but mere chances and fate...

I'm happy with how my life is right now... And truthfully speaking, for the first time in my life, I am satisfied with how everything is situated around me... Although i'm still cringing about some harsh realities, I don't let them bother my enthusiasm over stuffs that make me happier each sinking minute... As what is said in the movie Vanilla Sky, "Every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around." I'm happy for each day, God makes numerous moments for me to remember and to get by with...

***
Metanoia is a transformation, may well be a change of heart and/or attitude... I've always had this belief that I shouldn't change for anyone, yet there are instances in my life that I wish for some people to change... Not that I'm going against my motto or anything... But sometimes people are just reluctant to changing their wrong ways, for they know it'd hurt them for they always have that habit of being "that"... Trashing it would just be too ridiculous... But thinking about it... I never really cared about changing someone, not until now... Usually I'd end up ignoring the person, yet now I actually talk into some people of actually wanting someone to change... Not that it's backstabbing or anything, because I simply hate that... But more like getting the views of others for fear that I may also be wrong in some ways...

Apparently, I'm not... And once again, I find myself earning the right to acquire hatred as a demon...

Reality-Based Analysis

2005-12-12T12:30:00.000+08:00

This would be the last sentimental crap I'd be posting in this blog... Atleast for this year, that is... Melodrama is part of a human being's nature... Thus, I succumb to its stupidity once in a while...

***
Letting go is somewhat relative to an individual you once loved, yet we forget that a negation is always existent in any definition (expanded, at that. My thanks to Technical Writing lessons.). For that, I've come to understand that sometimes we need to move on for someone who might not get the courage to let us go... We have to be weak to prove our strength... As Milan Kundera would say in his book The Unbearable Lightness of Being, "When the strong is too weak to leave the weak, the weak should be strong enough to leave." And if you know what it feels like to be murdered, you wouldn't want another fragile person - like you were once - fathom the same torment...

That's why I'm doing the unbearable to save you... Because your deservance cannot be found in my being... In my presence...

***
Remember the sugarcoats? They were for you... And they were rightfully labeled as such, for they were indeed made to appeal and please other eyes... Straightforward - the readers of this blog...

My apologies... For again, I'm living up to epitomize the passion I've long loathed... Malevolence...

***
This is to deliver you from such deviance and put you in a state your kindness deems untouchable... Your affection is what encompasses my cold heart... Your averseness is what wakes me up in search for more...

Waiting is not an affirmation, that's why I resist in my unsaid impediments with you...

Now I battle with my sentiments, for this is the clearest path for both you and I...
I need not delve too much in this matter, for I know you'd agree to it both willingly and unwillingly...

With these, I tarnish, I befoul my blinded fate's dictate and make it live in vigilance, as what you've made me comprehend better...
Thus, I close the book to which there was no vivid cover that awaits my judgment...

Beloved, Formless

2005-12-08T11:02:00.000+08:00

It's scary... Everything's fine and working, and I'm not used to it... Probably now my burdens seem much lesser because I have someone in my mind...

But, not really... I'm still indecisive about what I feel...

***
Funny how inspiration dawns upon you at the time you don't need it the most... I'm excelling in debate... I'm making a lot of people happy, and somehow that leaves me to choose to be that as well...

They say angels are stabbed with wings
to fly, where no
on,
human,
has ever been... I've been there
perhaps only in dreams, I had...
when we stood on four irises...
Somehow, everything became
bearable.
For I've come to realize
at that moment
we stood on the
quicksand...
Afloat on the same past tenses
Abridged by those sheer mums and ruins
One in that unchanging spectacle...

***
I'm not ready for Dialectics; much more, for Crossfire... Kat deserves to be there more than me... I'm not even a senior to begin with...
I wish one person could actually see the gravity of the matter and try to change for her own betterment...
I'm still concerned, one way or another...

***
I believe blogs, or journals for that matter, are not made available for you to bash each other online... Ergo, I won't say much about this certain entry I saw in a Friendster blog except this:

If you're all flared up, then to hell with it and see me before you pass the message unto your foreign chatmates...

You know who you are... You already professed your fearlessness...

Instant flaring a.k.a. defense mechanism, FYI, is a prerequisite to actual guilt... Note that down, will you...
You're more of a fan of my blog, than I am of yours... ^_^

***
Christmas is on its way... I wonder what Santa's wrapping up for me this time around...
I wish for lesser tears...
Just keep in heart that this is a season for Him and not for us...

Sugarcoats II

2005-12-05T11:45:00.000+08:00

When does a person stop living? Is it at the moment one loses touch of breath and air; or at the day one feels the steadiness and subtlety of a loss that foregoes all worth and meaning?
Maybe we all have our own ghosts...

***
I've started to appreciate cliches and their purpose for haunting each day that might go unlived. Sadly, I am one of those people, who neglect waking up to his/her irrational fear...
The fear of pangs and hurts... The fear of wanting to be of just worth... For I'd forever be a pessimist... A beloved one at that...

***
Happiness is a choice, one of the cliches I've learned to acknowledge and love... And for now, I choose to be ignorant to it, and instead, first find it's utmost essence...
I took a peek at those wilted predicaments just last night, before I hung up the telephone...
I chose to welcome mirth, in the presence of you...

However, I know no other way... Similar to the postman's (Pablo Neruda) work, mine has been bound to metaphorical gloom and suicide... I hate it, for I've become a parasite to sadism, much worse, to my very self...

I've loved pins and needles for so long...

***
How would you know if not a deja vu risk? Trailers for Momentum's next issue... Boundless. No more than a word.

Sugarcoats

2005-12-01T20:49:00.000+08:00

Love is constant, unchanging and permanent, or so Shakespeare would say... Yet, can I just care to raise a point of information that there are instances in one's life that you're given more than one opportunity to love someone... And that can't be helped...
You may find a new one and love that person as much, or even more, but that does not mean you've learned to forget and to stop loving the past's someone just the same...
Okay, this sucks...

***
Let's just put it this way... I'm happy...
And there's no stopping it!
But him...

Making Up for Unidentified Loss

2005-11-29T20:38:00.000+08:00

Just relieved myself from a fever last night... Not quite sure if I missed having one... I've new reasons for wanting to attend class these past few days... No need to say more...

I'm about to kill our CD burner for trying to create a scene while I'm typing this entry in my blog... It hates doing its job...

I'm not sure what and how to feel at this particular moment... I've been bitten by schizophrenia for I've lost the proper judgment of what I truly desire at this time being... Or for that matter, what my heart truly heeds... Damn melodrama, I curse you!

Everything i know,and anywhere i go

It gets hard but it won't take away my love

And when the last one falls

When it's all said and done

It gets hard but it won't take away my love

[Hear Without You - 3 Doors Down]

***
I was late for lab today... Had to speed up with a few errands before going to school -- ironed my uniform, typed my reflection and fixed myself (like it's worth being called that).

Karma is a reality-based assessment... Only you can give it to yourself, moreso, it'd be your consciousness that could draw you to that situation... I believe in both its existence and invisibility in the thinnest of air... Or perhaps, fear is but relative to people like me... This is the very cause of why I hate wasting my energy if being bothered by another person... I'm not ignorant, nor am I naive... I just don't give a damn about your arguments against my lifestyle...

Redefining and the Recycle Bin

2005-11-27T18:50:00.000+08:00

Some people come and go, as some cliche mentor would say, yet if I'd care to revise that thought, I'd adapt another cliche line: Nothing's permanent in this world... Especially a once strong emotion of a human being...

I just saw my edited works for the December ish of the journal... So far so good... Six poems... No prose for me right now... I think the crow prose will be published for the year-ender, mirage...

HYD Episode 4's one hell of a cliffhanger! It didn't satisfy my famine for it...

We'll be having our first CWTS outdoor activity tomorrow... I hope it works out well, and no one would dare be MIAs...

PE's great last Saturday, no need to elaborate on that... And debate training's cancelled...

CURRENCY

Take your form
and make favors be done
I am aloof to your showcases
but prove me to be
an antiquity
hidden through words
which portray
your pained choice

Take my name
and live on its lips and rains
I am derived from that bitterness
but simply be
my unshaken
perforated soul
just heartless to
every inch of you

Take each sent
thought, murmuring you
I am saved by blatant tarnish
but live in me
in my temples
desolution as such
my voice
behaves untamed

**for JERSEY**

Burn Out, Let Lose

2005-11-25T11:12:00.000+08:00

I'm back to my usual "groupie girl" self after watching Marc Abaya and Yael Yuzon perform last night at the Break Out Concert... Mind you, it's the most nerve-wracking, mind-twisting and blood-rising concert I've ever been to, to date... And I'm not lying...

I got Yael's autograph and yet funny how that's not enough to make me shut up even after an hour of exiting the gates of the concert venue in UST... Demn... Now it pays to love your own...

It's a blessing that we came in late for the concert because we missed Cueshe's performance, meaning we didn't have to torture ourselves to their excruciating music...

6 Cycle Mind and Hilera came in next - they're a bunch of Emo Kids... And they're actually good, not to mention they won the recent Nescafe Battle of the Bands...

Then Kjwan, Marc Abaya's band... I've been a self-confessed Marc Abaya luster for some time now... I got to watch him perform live first at my high school in St.Scho... I think I was first year then, and he's still Sandwich's vocalist, now he only occasionaly joins in the gigs of his former band... Ever since, I've already been a fan of his... He has that oozing sex appeal... Totally irresistible...
Last night, he actually noticed us (Ga, Cams and I) about more than thrice... And he even gestured us to come closer during his third "sensual" song... As he said, "You have to imagine..."

I couldn't quite remember who came in next... Nerveline, Sugarfree (who, to my dismay, did not sing Makita Kang Muli... mainly teased us with its chorus and *poof*) Imago, Dicta License and finally, SpongeCola...

I sat right in front of the stage, and directly across Yael when they started performing... It's the best performance of the night, and I say this without bias, because they got everyone singing and jumping from the first song to the last... They sang Lunes, Pare Ko (an original of Eheads, which will be included in their upcoming album), Una, Gemini, KLSP and Jeepney...

After singing Pare Ko, Yael looked at me and I gave him that rocker sign \m/ and smiled... He smiled back...
Damn...
A girl at my back kept yelling "Neon!" (one of the songs in their album) as a request... I wanted to shut her up and say, "What the hell! Of course they won't play that because they haven't even launched that single yet!" Of course I merely ignored her and continued to stare at Yael's ruggedly handsome face...

While Yael was singing Una, only a few knew the lyrics of the song and actually cared to lipsynche with them... And when he saw me actually shouting my way to singing with him in the chorus, he looked at me and smiled, his eyes almost lost in its sparkles...

And then... My world stopped.

Double Damn.

After KLSP, Yael handed over his guitar to one of the crews... I reach out my hand to him and asked for his guitar pick, yet he frowned and quickly apologized for he couldn't give it to me... He still has the MyxMo performance later that same night; he needs it...

After the whole performance, we went out of the auditorium - I, still with a hint of sadness for failing to get Yael's pick... On our way out, we saw a bunch of other students creating a commotion in the other room... When we went close to take a peek, SpongeCola was still there, signing autographs for some of the girls and even taking pictures with them...

Ga, Cams and I got our tickets, and went inside the room... We asked Yael to sign the backside of our tickets... He asked each of our names... From Cams, to Noe-nah (laughs), and finally to me... After getting his autograph, I have to admit I forgot about the rest of the band... We took solo pictures with him and mind you, he's soooooo kind...

When we were about to leave the room, he called my attention and asked, "Were you the one directly in front of me?"

I lost my voice... Triple Damn...

How many times do you actually get a band vocalist to remember you - add to the fact there were more than two hundred of us in the auditorium?

I can't even remember now how I answered that question... All I know is that I left that room, with my feet floating high above the ground...

There. So much for last night...

Yael, Yael... Yael...

Unbashing the Unbashed

2005-11-22T19:57:00.000+08:00

I'm not in the mood for academics today, although I did quite well in our Technical Writing quiz, and I made three papers for our Lit101 assignment...

I had a long talk with Cams and Glen at the grandstand for about an hour and a half... It's a good talk... I'm very happy for Glen... After spending half of his life in search for the right person, he finally found the one who's actually deserving of his time and love... Finally, not someone who will wound him even more...

***
My relationship with the CSTP peeps is getting better and we're having more and more fun each training session... We have a good laugh on issues in our debate now and then, yet when it comes to playing it serious, mind you, I am hands down to those debaters...
Dialectics is going to be on January... However, I'm not yet sure if I'll be competing... Long story...

Pecto said I'm incosistent... I agree...
That's long been my problem with the CSTP, hell, it's actually one of the reasons why I quit last year... It has nothing to do with the organization... I just find it hard to put my mind in the debate when we're only training... Maybe the SDS, being a competition, just got me all fired up... But it's not with the people... I really give due respect to them, especially Niño...
See, I don't wanna fail him, or any member in the team or org for that matter, because they expect so much from me... I hope, I'll be able to do a better speech this Thursday... If not, I don't know what else to do anymore...

***
I miss writing... Although I have this blog to juice out my expressive prose and poetry, I have stopped writing creatively... Kit, our EIC in the journal, encouraged me to join Ustetika -- probably submit a poem or two... Yet again, I couldn't find the inspiration to write... Especially now that I have a lot of things swimming inside my mind, just enough to make me more paranoid than I already am...

***
Tomorrow, I'll be getting the results of my Chemistry and Biology quizzes... You guys just pray for me... A failing grade is the last thing I'd ever want to get my hands on tomorrow... Let the crow take me instead...

Populorum Progressio

2005-11-20T20:11:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure if I should count this as a bad day. I left my cellphone at my friend's house, and I wouldn't be able to get it 'till Tuesday because I've lots of work at hand...

Yesterday was one of the most exhilirating days of my life... Debate's starting to get really fun, not to mention I've got a new set of friends in the college...
Softball is really getting me all worked out, add to that the fact that Rizza, Ga and Cookie are on the same class... We laughed uncontrollably throughout the whole session... Oh, and our team stood out during the first meeting... No need to get to details here, really...
I watched Goblet of Fire again with my Tensed sisters... Julie told me about this critic prediction that Lily Potter might turn out to be a Death Eater in book seven... Hrmm... It really is an intriguing theory...
The overnight drained all of my remaining energy a.k.a. goodbye to hyperactivity... We got to our friend's house at about 3am, and watched the first two episodes of HYD in VCD... We slept at around 4:30am... (Note: 4:30am is not bad actually, because we usually end up not sleeping at all... ^_^)

Now, I'm at home with no cellphone, a pending SCL report waiting to be completed, a brief review on BioLab102 still lurking in my mind, and the same mind-boggler for my Analytical Chemistry lecture quiz, which is also scheduled for tomorrow...

And so you may ask...
Why the hell am I still writing this blog when my back is aching from those unfinished business?
Jeez... Inspiration...

Makings of Bewilderment and Stress

2005-11-18T21:36:00.000+08:00

I'm stressed. Got lots of work at hand... There's debate tomorrow morning, then P.E. in the afternoon, after which, Harry Potter (again) at dinnertime and finally an overnight stay at my friend's house...

God help me...

***
I'm bewildered by the fact that I'm having so many new prospects... Of course you should all know, I'm loyal... Lest someone gets mad... ^_^

I had to edit the picture to charcoal setting so he would stop bickering me about it...
There...
Comment about the picture... In Japanese: Kawaii!!!
That's stolen property by the way... So before he sees the real reason why I was asking him non-stop for a picture last week, go ahead and see for yourselves...

***
I'm in an internet cafe right now... My dad just dozed off inside his room that's why I can't come in and use the computer... If I wake him up, he'll kill me...
And that situation, my dear friends, is very much unwanted right now...
It's the time of the semester when the class treasurer bombards you unendingly of your debts, if you know what i mean... ^_^

Him Planetarium

2005-11-17T22:14:00.000+08:00

Another debate... Somehow I've redeemed half of my former dignity...

Longer debate: Uchi wanted it charcoal... So there... Gotta love softball!!!

With or Without You by Utada Hikaru (originally interpreted by U2)
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails he makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, he's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

Mhye and I had a little talk during our Chemistry lab class. We were both feeling the sudden change of aura from our usual enthusiastic class... It's becoming gloomy for some reason... Personal problems? I don't know what else to think or who to give the blame to...

From an average of 1GB/day, I've now simmered down to a download average of 300MB/day... Have lots of work at hand... Debate, journal, 2 laboratory classes (1 of which is irregular), 3 regular classes, 2 irregular classes (1 of which is also the laboratory class forementioned) and 1 advanced class... So much for trying to keep yourself busy...

When I saw him earlier, I really didn't feel a thing... If more so, it'd be regret... And it's meant for him and not for me...

On Saturday, I'll be treating myself to another Harry Potter movie (with my beloved sisters of the Artistic Asian Era)... Not to mention, I already watched it last 16... My prerogative...

Spoilers? Read on...

Among the first four books of the HP series that were each made into a movie, I say this is the best... Visual effects won't fail you this time... I especially loved the Quidditch World Cup and the three tasks in the TriWizard Tournament...
Love is in the air... With Cho Chang, Viktor Krum and Fleur Delacour (who, can I just say, was gorgeous *sparks of envy*), need I say more?
The Death Eaters are alive and kickin' black sand in Shrieking Shack.
My beloved Sirius is still alive (of course you should know he died in book five, didn't I warn you this will consist spoilers?).
Voldemort has a body, and an ugly one at that...
Harry is growing up and getting hotter... Heehee... You should just see that scene when he took a bath and his broad shoulders and upper body were shown... Damn...
It's a bird... It's a plane... It's... It's... It's the Dark Mark...
Neville gave the gillyweed to Harry... Now where the hell is Dobby?
Cedric's death was simple, yet Harry was so affected that I also found myself crying when I watched him weep over his friend's death...
Action-packed... The Hungarian Horntail, the merpeople, the labyrinth? WaaAaH!!! But the sphinx wasn't there...
The Yule Ball's really grand and beautiful, even more beautiful than Harry's date... I know, I'm not making sense...
Rita Skeeter wasn't revealed to be an animagus...
The Unforgivable Curses... Imperio! Crucio! Avada Kedavra! Whatever happened to that forsaken spider?
Crouch and the verisaterum story turned short...
The pensieve's silver streaks of dreams...
And lastly, the first duel of Voldemort and Harry... This one made me cry... I see dead people...

There. Wasn't I just careless to even look at those scrawny details? Jeez...

Him Planetarium... My current insanity... *sigh* Uchi...

Literally.

2005-11-14T20:33:00.000+08:00

I sucked at today's debate... Need I say more?
Nikki, Cookie and I were given the motion: Feminism regrets the existence of prostitution...
And all I did was ramble both coherently and incoherently about decency and well, decency... I even forgot my P.O.I., go figure... It was ugly... I lacked matter, manner and method... In short: I am unworthy!!!

I was a loser... No more, no less...
The only thing I proved right during the training was the fact that sheer luck's the only thing that made me best debater last SDS... Or point of the matter: I do not deserve to be a best debater!!! It was the most shameful and horrible debate I ever had! Not to mention, I really am no good in debate... WaAaAaAaAaAaAahhHHH!!! Pessimist alert!!!

Shallow Depth

2005-11-13T14:01:00.000+08:00

Okay, I'm bored... I controlled my urge to download more files in my computer the past couple of days... Pao's right (It's 70GB, btw)... I should start giving my computer a little rest...
The outcome: 3 metaphorical and poetic creations...
Inspiration? Hrmm... Yeah... Him --> _ c _ _ ^_^

INDESPENSIBLE
At each failed grasp
I wait, perhaps solemnly
The trails are unpolished with
your visions that pierce
much like tattooes
only embedded in mind.
Here we tore once
our identities
you and i, our of unwanted
circumstances that scar
so heavily.
You are beyond those metaphors
written in understatements
the streaks
the porcelain
the beloved amnesty
i am forced to recover.
Here, we remain...
in a garden locked
with but a million
chances, dreams and worlds.

We are perfection
uncovered by blankets of
waters and silences
That this torment
is my only retreat.
For I...
have grown fond of those
carcasses
those
salvages
those
pretensions
your unearthly
syndicates
And my primary essence...
Which is needless
with you here...

OBLIQUE
Although barred by words and seas
the grayscale is my only reach
Baffled by fate's black circle
where your core lives
where your song heeds
Mine is a longer route
partaking your every pace
But I complain not
For my yearning is created
with your only loss
and weakness
That if i become,
and for you are...
We shall always stand,
under the same skyline.
above the same nothingness.
in between all differences...

RUINS AND REMAINS
I stand in my deprived delinquency
to devour this pixelated spectacle
How far can I make amends for you
who behaves in my chosen melancholy
The corners are painted
with your eyes
with your scratches
However
pale and resolute
I knock at those bleached handles
Inevidently pertaining to your heart
How atrocious can this momentum be
If it lurks at your bereaved past
The corners are painted
by your own hands
by your own hurt
However
coy and misunderstood
Finally, this is blatantly ended
in curses and threats beyond
Yet I become frivolous to losing to...
and staring at your beauty
So why don't you...
If my last reluctance
and thus, my craving...
Just remain in me tonight...

The painter fell off the tree...

2005-11-09T18:28:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to curse the existence of 4-hour breaks during my Monday&Wednesday schedules... Probably because of the massive boredom dawning upon me and a classmate during this presumed wee hours by other people...

I'm not happy with the lineup of teachers I have for this semester. Although some are boldly marked with a check on their records in positive preference for my future grades, I agree to what EJ thinks that my tuition's not spent wisely if that were so. Talk about having an African-obsessed theatre arts teacher in exchange for my supposed Literature professor ...
Nevertheless, I have no choice...

I still don't feel the thrill in this new semester... Although resectioning and dissolving were bypassed by the college, I was lightly saddened by the fact that a lot of my former blockmates have decided to shift from, if not leave, our section... It's not really depressing... Still, you feel a certain void starting to grow inside your heart as you move on, and even heavier as more individuals choose to depart as well...

Moments are exquisite, as those are permanent marks in time that can never be erased... No matter how far you embark towards future's worldly intentions, history can never be changed... You might choose to forget a part of your life, yet the memory shall still inevitably live in another person's heart...

***
Awhile ago, I was in the library trying to do an internal monologue a.k.a. stream of consciousness for a new post in my journal. However, I was seated next to this guy who was so into plagiarism for some unknown, yet unforgivable, reason... When he saw my site, he quickly copied the address and created his own, and can I say, ridiculous account...
Point forward: He expressed his unoriginality... I, on the other hand, expressed my loathe and spite for his immature act...

When I was in first year college - first semester, to be more specific - I had this classmate who imitated me like hell. She totally disheartened me to continue our friendship further, as she would always copy all of the descriptions in my identity... She'd try hard to like alternative rock and to apply the black motif on all her impractical possessions... She even bought her own notebook to use as her journal! My mind was reverberating with demands of authenticity.

Eventually, I had to tell her off... You couldn't blame me...

***
I'm a self-confessed download freak... I've achieved a download average of 1000MB/day...
Need I say more?
Oh... They're Jdoramas, if you know what they are...

Greens and Clinges

2005-11-07T11:34:00.000+08:00

First days are sometimes thoughtless, or if put bluntly, useless...
Teachers sign your registration forms and after which, you are free to go... And where do you end up? In a seemingly evacuated fastfood chain near your school...

I lately realized that I'm having a harder time saving money ever since I got a raise in my allowance. I tend to spend more money than I should for a particular day. It sucks, believe me... Especially when by Friday, I reach in my pocket only to find out that I've nothing left but a pitiful 20-peso bill, enough to suffice for the day's transportation expenses... Geez...

***
My astrology sign dictates that I'm the type of person who indulges to too much clinginess...
I have always had this problem when it comes to relationships that may demand loyalty and trustworthiness... I rarely give my trust to someone, making me a very hard person to deal with... I have this cosmic terror of losing someone that has been a great influence in my life, or worse someone I've grown to really love... When I become close to someone, losing that person becomes such a tremendous difficulty for me that I may end up falling apart or losing myself... Terrible, huh?

So naturally speaking, if I end up as but bittersweet when you're gone... Maybe, you're not that important to me... My apologies for your may-have expectancy...

Posing for Hypocrisy

2005-11-05T12:39:00.000+08:00

My mind is currently malfunctioning, probably from too much weariness... I just came back from a supposed "vacation" trip in Batangas... What to say... There was water, people, sand, people, air... Oh, and did I mention, people?? In two words: Nothing special. Or if you prefer one: Overpopulation.

A few days ago I was hopelessly experimenting on my blog settings, hoping to add a little thrill to it... Accidentally, I got hooked into clicking too many icons in my profile that I found myself rummaging through other people's blogs... It was then that I came across this blog-turned-friendster of a self-proclaimed rocker.
I was entertained by the settings on her blog, that I actually started to contemplate and wallow in my kinky pursuit to be more "technologically aware" in terms of customizing my own journal... I scanned through her profile, and lo and behold, she's a fan of Avril Lavigne and Simple Plan... Way to go, rockstar!!! Although I have to say, she really did so well in designing the whole site, that it was actually screaming colors of black and red...
What's with posers anyway? People would always say that we should respect what other people like... But I beg to disagree... I think it should actually be the other way around...

We should respect what others do not like.

If we respect others for their own interests and hide our own disgust, then that would be plain hypocrisy... I'd rather be found bashing a Britney Spears concert (or dead, at that) than pretending to enjoy her acrobatic-slash-ostentatious display...

Point here is, why care? If people hate what you think is cool, then deal with it... Don't even think of bribing or forcing them to like it back... Just think of it as your uniqueness, your identity... It's not cliche, but its sheer practicality...

How can you respect something that you're not even in agreement with? Better give your respect to someone who fearlessly says that s/he thinks your choice of music is odd... Or downright, ugly...

It's not about insecurity, but more of liberation and honesty...

For one thing, I do know that I'm not a hardcore rocker, but I love alternative rock, and I find silence and peacefulness in each crash of an electric guitar... To one person, I can well be a poser for him/her as well, but the thing is, I don't give a shit... For, in non-utopian settings, shit matters in perfect synchronization of its actuality... So, in mere terms, just don't give any... Treat them as inexistent...

There...

So much for looking at other people's blogs...

Killer, Killer!

2005-10-31T16:50:00.000+08:00

Nikki said I look like a killer...

Well then, read through my profile, for I really am one...

I've lately arrived to this realization that I'm better off eating food than cooking it. I have 3 burns on my right hand, enough to paralyze the nerves on my skin... Or maybe not...
But I do have burns. My hand is cauterized.

MY CONTRADICTION
This is eventful, and I have to tell you this.
Luck was so hard to find then. I have foreseen
it with you. Yet for some known and obvious
reason, you've managed to win our only
argument. And that if I start losing myself,
I would have to let you know...
Well, I haven't...
Yet,
I may be lying...
It is misunderstood
moreover,
incomprehensible...

I wrote that, probably a few months ago. Honestly, I do not know which form of writing it's trying to identify itself with... Oh well...
Try this one...

YOUR BURNS AND MINE
Your photograph's the worst of its kind
I partake in that simplicity
Your apologies scratch veins in mind
I waste away my sanity
Your blessedness pries open my demons
I am an angel with black wings
Your heartbeat races all my summons
I portray the reaper who sings
Your slumber is my only defeat
I lock myself to your resound
Your forgottenness is all that's left
I only remain in its ground

Talk about angst... Yesterday, my father nonchalantly confirmed that he is sending me to med school. Not that I'm surprised or anything, it's just that, I still can't see myself being in one...
I've always wanted to be a writer and a corporate lawyer at the same time... But hey, scratch that, I think I also wanted to be a doctor when I was in elementary... *_* WTH??? But seriously, now that I'm more aware of the "reality bites" shenanigans in this country, I thought it best that I become a lawyer; I think I was already in highschool then... Since most doctors only end up succumbing to diaspora, or better yet, wallowing in the lesser degree of studying nursing, law is a better career option...

But enough about careers...
Writing.
I never really liked people reading my work, probably because I'm afraid that some megalomaniacs would misinterpret my boldness when it comes to this favorite passion of mine... I would only write all my poems, prose and thingamajigs on this worn-out black notebook kept inside my drawer, and with nothing but a mere pair of eyes, reading and rereading them... However, people grow... They should... And I thought to myself, "Just how could I ever improve as a writer, without letting people throwing spitbacks at my work?"
As I would always say...

I'M DIFFERENT ON PAPER THAN I AM IN AIR

And by being different, you just can't help but be hated, or worse, envied most, if not all, of the time. Thus, my motto: Like Me or Leave Me...

Hatred is a passion, a holdback, a remorse, a regret... It's only tentative, unlike angst that could rip people apart from the inside... It is in the gradual sense of nature, that people in the end, would be left with no other choice but to accept your disparity from them...

So this is Hiker's Emancipation... My release, my pandora's box... All the evils within myself that I'm not ashamed to let all of you know...

So on and End... End and so on...

2005-10-30T23:14:00.000+08:00

I have a blog...
And I'm no good in doing customizing crap...

Well there... It's my ultimate frustration to have one...

Now I don't know what to put in, except that... I'm jaded... Damn jaded...
I just finished writing my prose for the journal...

I hope it gets published, for it wrecked my brain, for crying out loud!
And now, i have nothing left to write about in my blog...
Demmit...

So much for having writing as a passion...