Embraced

I wanted to think that this is just one of those ordinary days, yet I’m desperately haunted by my responsibilities as a daughter. One thing I hate about Filipino culture, is how we have to concede to every bit of thought our parents deem best or right. Liberalism wouldn’t hurt sometimes.
Due to too much ire last night, I came up with a bad entry in my blog. But I wouldn’t want to edit that. It should remind me never to write with too much fury again.
Of course angst would be way different than that.

***
These are the nights when I am preoccupied by thoughts of what-to-be’s. Droll how I’m currently in the last days of my second year in college, and still I have no idea where I’m heading.
Medicine? *shrugs*

At some point, I find writing here as my only escape, my only flight from unwanted quandaries that never fail to serve as bloodsuckers to my veins of journalism and contentment. The two worlds in a toggle case.

I leave precipitates of what-if’s and if-only’s, and not using the best of myself to improve all that I hold in fleeting air.
I envy. And though it may be a mortal sin, I am swollen with pride for committing it.
Julius, one of my fellow debaters in CSTP, is taking up law once he graduates from Biology this schoolyear. And where does that leave me? – jealous of him breathing the freedom to choose.
For more than evidently, I am not entitled to that. And even if I gang up with people to revolutionize for that yearning, it would do me no good. Just picture what happened last night when my dad told me that as a daughter, I have no inkling of a right to be heard. In his words, he wouldn’t give a damn even if I did.
Again I ask, where does that leave me?

***
After such a long time, I found myself praying reverently, intently to Him. Once again at a time when I’m helpless and vulnerable. It’s ridiculous thinking that I am back to the norms of people going to church to beg for this and that. But I had to.
I needed direction. More than anything.

See how worthlessness comes to people who are showered with bad luck? Hrmm… or maybe not. Maybe such are intended to happen for me to learn and for me to know that I am more than strong for this. Chicken feed, as what local radio stations would say.
It’s cheesy, but take it as it is.

And as for someone who never wanted anything more than to get her feelings returned, I say I still do not put the blame on Him.
I am saved in every way possible. And not because I know that he’s always there, but because of the trust that I have for all that he has to give.

Do not merely believe, but have faith.
And everything will fall into place.